The Other Scars
by Ailefo
Summary: Remus has been dealing with a lot of stress in all the wrong ways. Sirius comes in to help him out. But when Sirius hooks up with an old boyfriend, things get interesting. Several pairings. WARNING: Contains SelfInjury & MM. Rated M just in case. HIATUS
1. The Problem

Hey! First story on this account. Lots of pairings. Maruader Era for now. This started out as a drabble/exercise to get rid of writer's block. Well, it bubbled over and became an entire story. I've tried to go back and edit out mistakes, but I may have missed some. Anyway, please enjoy!!

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Full moons. They should piss off. Leave him alone. He didn't deserve that kind of pain. Even now, a week later, he still has scabs that are healing over. Why couldn't that damn Madam Pomfrey do more for him? It's not like Remus _wanted_ those scars all over him.

Then again, maybe he did. Sirius sighed and looked at his friend, curled up in the armchair with his nose in a book. Like always. His silvery eyes scrutinized the slender arms wrapped delicately around the book. Smooth scars criss-crossed his forearms. They weren't caused from his transformations, Padfoot knew this. He inflicted them upon himself. And from the looks of them, the cuts causing them had been pretty deep. But Remus kept quiet about it, so he tried not to ask.

It didn't seem anyone else noticed, but maybe they were just being quiet about it like he was? No, no, they would have said something to him. James and Peter weren't as reverent about other people's privacy as he was. He may be a loud mouth and a show off, but a snitch he was not.

Suddenly, the young animagus became aware of a pair of gentle amber eyes on him. "Sorry. Say something?"

Remus laughed weakly. "I said; What're you so deep in thought about, Sunshine?" Sirius growled playfully but soon his eyes were back on the scars. A finger prodded his shoulder. "Padfoot! What's wrong?"

Unable to take it anymore, Sirius grabbed Remus's arm and began dragging him up to their dormitory. "Prongs, Wormtail! Out! Now!" The other two boys didn't dare argue and immediately gathered their things to relocate to the Common Room. Sirius slammed the door shut behind them and murmured a locking spell under his breath to seal it. Remus took this all in stride, assuming that all would be explained in a moment. "Sit... sit down."

Moony obeyed, placing himself on one of the beds, which happened to be James'. Sirius sighed and sat beside him, running a hand through his hair. The werewolf growled and shoved Sirius's arm roughly. "What is bothering you? Fuck me if I know! I've been trying to figure out what's going on for three weeks, y'know that? You're a loony!" Remus was grinning despite himself.

"Me?" Sirius whispered, completely gob-smacked. "What's wrong with _me?!_**You** are the one that's got a problem! I'm neither stupid nor blind, my friend!" He seized Remus's left wrist and jerked his sleeves down to the crease of his elbow. "How do you explain this? These... these scars!"

Tears jumped to Moony's eyes. "Sirius. . . . I never wanted any–."

"Oh I know that you didn't want us to find out!" He growled and shoved his friend away from him. "I thought we were your friends! Didn't we prove that in second year when we stuck by you?! Or what about the start of this year, when we became Animagi just to make sure you weren't alone during full moons?! What the hell possesses you to do this to yourself?" He shouted, now standing a good metre from the bed. Rage burned in his eyes, making them light up. Just as he was about to continue his rant, he noticed the tears on Moony's face. Those silenced him and quelled all anger. "Remus..."

The black-haired boy sat beside the werewolf again, reaching out to stroke his back. But Remus recoiled. "Sirius..." he curled in on himself, sobbing. "It makes me feel better... It takes away the pain."

Sirius had never seen Remus – strong, stoic Remus – like this. Huddled in a fetal position with tears pouring from his eyes. "What pain? Why do you hurt?" He slowly reached out again, this time meeting no objections, and rubbed soothing circles on his back. But he was given no answer. So he asked a different question. "Why didn't you come to me, James, or Peter about it? You know we would have helped you."

"You would have thought me disgusting. Even more than you alre–."

"Remus! You aren't disgusting!" Sirius pleaded with him. "You're our friend. That means we care about you." His arms encircled Moony warmly. The werewolf responded, quickly curling around Sirius, clinging to him for dear life. His scarred face buried into Sirius's chest, tears soaking his robes. "Please tell me what's wrong, Moony. You know I won't think any differently of you. You're my best mate." He reasoned.

Finally, Moony pulled back a bit and looked into his friend's face. "I'm gay." Sirius simply continued to look at him, waiting for the big 'disgusting' secret. Remus's face screwed up in what Sirius assumed was confusion. "I like blokes, not girls. Or more... I'm_in_ love with a bloke." Still silence. "Sirius?" He watched the slightly older boy.

Sirius simply smiled. "Oh, I am supposed to be disgusted now?" He laughed at the look playing on his friend's face. "Rems, I thought you would have figured out before the others! But no, apparently little ole Pete was the first and he told James. Can't believe they didn't tell you though..."

"Tell me what?" A hint of hurt was in his voice.

A gentle look crossed Sirius's features. "I'm gay too. Was actually..." He paused, in thought. "Was dating this guy a while ago. Had a bad break up, so now we hate each other." He shifted in his spot. Remus had told him something an intimate secret; he felt compelled to tell him his own. Remus simply looked at him curiously. "It was . . . . Snivelly."

Silence settled for a brief moment. Then laughter broke out. "Padfoot! That is the most ridiculous thing I have _ever_ heard!" But Sirius remained stoic. Remus's laughter died and he looked at his friend very solemnly. "Oh. . . . You're serious."

"Well, that is my–."

"That joke got old ages ago." Remus frowned.

Sirius merely grinned weakly. "Yeah I know. Just wanted to lighten the mood. Or attempt to." He sighed. "That's why the prime target of my pranks is him." Remus reached out and grasped Sirus's hand. "Who's the bloke you like, Rems?"

Another silence settled. This time it ended with a sharp gasp. "I love. . . you, Sirius." The dog-boy grinned and made Remus look at him. Remus had a look of fear on his face. "Are you. . . mad?"

"Not at all." Sirius placed a small kiss on the top of his friend's head.

He could feel Moony's hope rising. "Then does that mean that you–?"

Sirius sighed again. "Not. . . quite. I'm sorry, Moony. But. . . . . I don't have feelings that strong for you. I do care about you a lot. More than as just a friend. But not _that_strongly." Remus nodded, looking a bit down-hearted, but not quite sad. "I have more of a platonic love for you. At the moment at least. Maybe, in due time, our feelings. . . . ." He trailed off, letting Remus decide his own ending for the sentence.

Sirius was answered with another nod. "Alright, Padfoot. In – in time. I'll – give you time to be alone, then." But Sirius held onto his arm tightly. "Sirius?"

"No. You are going to stay right here. If I let you go, then you'll hurt yourself again. Despite the fact my feelings may not be the same, I want you to come to me when you want to cut yourself, alright?" Remus only offered a blank stare. Sirius tightened his grip. "Promise me, Rems!"

The werewolf smiled softly. "I promise, Sirius. I'll come to you. But it may be. . . afterward. I sometimes. . . ." He wasn't sure how to phrase his thoughts, but Sirius understood well enough. "Can I–. . . . That is. . . . Would you let me kiss you? Just once?"

Unsure how Remus would react to a rejection, Padfoot leaned down and planted a chaste kiss on the other's lips. "The only time. Unless my feelings change. Alright?" Remus nodded, smiling sadly. "Always come to me. I don't like seeing you hurt."

"Yes, Padfoot. I will." He stood and began to leave the dormitory. But he hesitated with his hand on the doorknob. "Thank you, Sirius. A lot."

Padfoot grinned. "Anytime, mate. Anytime."

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Well there's chapter one! Please critique/comment. But please don't bash. You don't have to like it and you don't have to read it. But critiques/criticism are more than welcome. I like to know what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it. I have up to chapter 9 written, working on 10. But I'd intended it to end here. So please tell me if you would like for it to continue. Thanks for your time! 


	2. The Decision

Chapter two! Hehehe. I decided to go ahead and post it. This one, in my opinion, is the worst chapter. Kind of a filler chapter since I wasn't sure where I wanted the story to go yet. But I had to get it going from the end of the first one.

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Three days after their 'intervention,' Sirius was woken in the middle of the night by a hand frantically shaking him. He tried to brush it off, but when he did, he felt a warm, thick liquid. Blood. Sleep left him as he sat up abruptly, almost knocking Remus over. The young werewolf had tears falling down his face and blood staining his left arm. "Remus. . . . C'mon, let's get you cleaned up." Remus nodded, gasping for a breath. Sirius pulled his friend onto his bed then yanked all the curtains shut, casting a sound-containment spell on them once he did. 

Remus curled into Sirius, resting his head in the crook of Padfoot's neck. "I'm sorry. . . . I'm sorry. . . ." He repeated it like a mantra. Sirius used his wand to clean and bandage the other's injured arm, offering him soothing words. When Remus's arm was all wrapped up, the younger boy began to calm down. "Sirius. . . . ."

Black hair was pushed back from grey eyes as Remus kissed his lips, begging desperately to deepen it. But Sirius pushed him away gently. "No. I know you hurt but. . . ." Remus took a few breaths then nodded. Sirius smiled warmly and held Remus close to him. "Moony, would you tell me what made you upset?" The slighter body squirmed to get closer, nodding uncertainly. Sirius rubbed small circles on his back. "Well?"

"I had a dream. You–. . . . James and Lily were married with a son. Voldemort had killed them but not their son. And you were in Azkaban because you had betrayed them. And– and–." He broke into sobs again.

Sirius merely laughed. "Remus, you're no good at making things up."

He shook his head. "No, that was what I dreamed."

"But there was more. . . . ?" Sirius pushed, honestly worried.

Remus nodded. "Yeah. When– when I woke up, saw you lying here. So peaceful, you looked dossing. . . ." His face screwed up in a look of pain. " But you–."

Sirius stopped him with a gentle push to his head. "Never mind, I've got it sussed." Remus nodded once again, but didn't leave. He kept his arms wrapped loosely around Sirius's neck and shoulders. "Go to sleep, Rems. You can stay here in my bed if you want." Remus nodded and snuggled closer as Sirius jerked the blankets around to cover both of them. The brunette murmured a thanks before slipping back into sleep. Sirius simply continued rubbing his back, mind running a mile a minute.

He really didn't understand what Remus was getting at, but he could see the pain in his friend's face as he tried to relay his feelings. He didn't want to push him too much. Though, the more he thought about it, the more he had an idea of what might have caused it. Sirius had an interesting dream as well. Snivellus had cornered him in the Shrieking Shack, but both of them were into their thirties. He had moaned at Snape when he threatened Sirius. Had he moaned in reality as well? If he had, had Remus interpreted it wrongly?

Damn not understanding his feelings. Whenever Remus wasn't with the rest of them, he felt empty and longed for him to be there. When he was there, he felt completed. But when it was just the two of them, he felt awkward and now, with Remus clinging onto him and sleeping in his bed, he felt wrong. But he was willing to overlook that when Remus needed him. He'd rather fake being in love with Remus to keep him alive then have to go through Remus cutting himself. Remus's childhood had been so horrible, being a werewolf, he deserved to have the person he loved.

Sirius hadn't lied to him the other day. He was gay and had dated Severus Snape. Actually, he'd been completely smitten with Severus, which his parents were oddly okay with. Probably because of Snape's mother. The Prince family was very close to members of the Black family.

When Snape had broken up with Sirius, the Black heir had been devastated. He had been in second year then. So far, that was his worst time at Hogwarts. The last three months of school when he had avoided the Slytherins at all cost, as well as his friends. Honestly, he wasn't sure he was over Snivelly, even though that had been almost three years ago.

But Remus seemed perfectly happy here with Sirius, even knowing the older boy's feelings were different. He didn't have the 'nads to hurt him anymore.

Remus shifted, placing his head on the pillow beside Sirius's and slipping his arms to the other's waist. "Sirius. . . . love you. . . ." He opened his eyes to look at his friend, smiling softly. "I know, you don't feel the same, but. . . . I do love you. For many, many reasons."

Sirius nodded, twisting his hips so they both were on their sides facing each other. "I know." He felt he had to tell Remus about his own dream now. "You hurt yourself tonight because. . . you heard me while I was dreaming, right?" When Moony nodded, he continued. "I was dreaming we were thirty-something. Me and Snivellus. We were in the Shrieking Shack and he was threatening to kill me. We'd had a duel. And he was winning. That was why I said his name. I wasn't dreaming of him in that way."

Calm came to Remus and he moved closer to Sirius. "Thanks. For telling me." Both were quiet for a moment. "I'm sorry I didn't wake you up earlier. I just. . . felt so hurt. Then when I did it, I knew you'd kill me if I didn't come to you."

Sirius laughed a bit and placed a soft kiss to his friend's temple. "It's alright. I'm just glad you still did wake me up. Next time, don't hesitate to, okay? I told you I'd help you and I will, no matter what. I'd drop everything to run and help you."

The rest of the night, Sirius didn't get much sleep. He kept thinking about Remus. He remembered all too well how much he had hurt after Snape dumped him. He had wanted so badly to be wiped off the face of the earth. Luckily, that was about the time Snape took interest in Remus's monthly disappearances and about the time the other three Gryffindors had found out the truth about them. So he had other things on his mind that kept him anchored to reality.

Remus needed him desperately. This fact he knew. There was no way that he could leave him and know he'd be okay, like Snape did to himself. If he left Remus alone, then Remus would hurt, if not kill, himself. This gave him much more to think about during the night.

When morning came, Sirius was up, showered, and dressed long before the others. He'd made up his mind last night, now all he needed to do was talk to Remus. He sat on the edge of his own bed, watching Remus as he shifted around in pre-waking. Once those amber eyes opened, he felt a wave of emotions rise in him. Remus pushed himself up onto his elbows to get a better look at Sirius. "Good morning Pad–." his words were cut off as Sirius swooped down and kissed him fully on the lips. When the kiss ended, Remus looked up in confusion. "Padfoot?"

"I was thinking last night." True so far. "About you," he added to the blank look on his face. Still true, though. "And I realized, I'm not sure I feel as strongly towards you as you do towards me. . . ." Hurt jumped to Remus's face, so he plowed on. "But I do feel for you. Very strongly. Just not quite love yet." Biggest lie he ever told. But the look of utter joy and love on Remus's face more than made up for it. Now there would be less cutting. More coming straight to him.

The young werewolf smiled so widely Sirius was afraid his face might split in two. "Oh thank you, Sirius!" He threw his arms around the Animagus's neck and kissed his lips, tongue probing at his mouth. Sirius returned the kiss with as much emotion as he could.

But it all felt so wrong.

But it was what he had to do to keep Remus here. Keep him safe.

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Don't you just love that Remus Sees? I always pictured him as a halfway decent Seer. Dunno why. Again, sorry that this is kinda a filler chapter. Please review/critique/comment/criticize. 


	3. Conflict Arises

Chapter three!! Hmm. . .I'd say something to people that have reviewed right now, but no one has. After this chapter, I won't load chapter 4 until at least a couple people have reviewed. Otherwise I'll take the no reviews as a sign that this story sucks. Haha. Anwya, enjoy!

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Potions with Slughorn, by far, was the most entertaining class of the day. Though the Marauders always got punished for their pranks, they never were reprimanded, rather, praised on such creativity. Today was no different. The four Gryffindors were crowded around their cauldron, talking quietly as they set up their latest prank. A firecracker in Snivelly's shrinking solution. However, Snivellus was at a different station than usual, so they were having to modify their plans a bit. Sirius was supposed to take it over to the 'Prince's' table and drop it in discretely.

"How do I get stuck doing it, Prongs?" he hissed. James simply glared at him, hoping he would stop asking. No such luck with a stubborn Black. "Proooongs!" he groaned. "I don't want to talk to Snivelly! Why can't you or Rems do it? I mean, Wormtail would never be able to pull it off." He paused. "No offense, Pete."

The mousy boy shook his hand in negation. "No, no. None at all."

James shoved the explosives into Sirius's hands. "You're his ex, so you go do it!" he growled, daring Sirius to question him again.

Remus reached out and grasped his new boyfriend's hand, catching everyone off guard. "Why don't we just use a spell to make it explode from here? Then there's no evidence after the explosion either?" James frowned, thinking, which sparked the same reaction in Peter, if only because he imitated James. "I mean, how many kids in the class are going to carry an excess of Zonko's explosives? Everyone will know it was us anyway, but without the trash from the 'cracker, then there's no evidence to convict us."

Sirius let himself squeeze Remus's hand sweetly. "I like his idea! No me talking to bloody Snivelly. Less risk of detention. All the perks of torturing people." He ticked all the reasons off with one hand, seeing as Remus wouldn't let go of his other one.

Confusion clouded James's face as he watched his two friends. "Are you two. . . dating?" he asked directly. Remus's face lit up in love, Sirius's in embarrassment.

"Yeah. As of a week ago tomorrow," Remus smiled at the young man whose hand was linked with his. There was nothing but love in his face as he looked at Sirius. The black haired boy blushed more, looking back to the firecrackers. Remus took the hint and let go of his boyfriend's hand.

Sirius fiddled with the firecrackers for a moment, then scooped them all up into his hands. "Okay, I'll go dump in the potion." Logically, they should sink to the bottom, which would be hottest, and the heat would initiate the explosion. But Sirius didn't really care about that. He just wanted to talk to his ex.

When he was standing in front of the greasy-haired teen's cauldron, he cleared his throat, slipping the explosives into his pocket for now. Severus looked up at the Gryffindor, a smug look crossing his face. "So, you've come crawling back once more, have you? What makes you think I'll take you back this time?" He set down the Abyssinian Shrivelfig he'd been skinning.

Sirius felt a stab in his heart, but said nothing of it. "No. Just wanted to talk. Just because me and my mates prank you doesn't mean we can't talk now, does it?" He tried to sound casual, but was being sincere. Severus frowned, hardly believing him.

"You pissed, Black? I don't give a damn about you other than to loathe you with every bone of my being," Severus responded coolly. Sirius shifted around so that no one could clearly see what was going on, which involved him moving much closer to the half-blood than he normally would. Severus's face changed, some of the anger leaving. "Sirius, what prank have you come to pull on me this time?" he asked calmly.

The tan boy smiled a bit. "Firecrackers in your potion." Severus just nodded, figuring he would let his ex have fun. "Y'know. . . . I miss you." Severus nodded again, focusing his attention on his potion. "But. . . I'm dating Remus now. I. . . don't love him."

"You are aware he's watching you, yes?" Sirius nodded. "Well drop the firecrackers in and try to get away from your new 'toy' during lunch. Meet me behind the statue next to Filch's office and we can talk. I'll get us some lunch to eat on the grounds." He looked up to his 'enemy' with little emotion on his face. But Sirius had come to understand that it was a good sign, not bad.

As told, Sirius dropped the explosives into the cauldron and then sauntered back to his group of friends, a smirk fixed firmly on his face. Just as he arrived at his station, he heard the small explosion behind him. He turned and looked, seeing everything around Severus shrinking, though he'd managed to keep any of his body parts from shrinking, so far as he could tell. His eyes traveled down to a place he knew they shouldn't. i Bad thoughts, bad thoughts! No, Sirius, no/I

The other Marauders were laughing like hyenas at Severus's plight to save his possessions from being shrunk. Of course, Sirius knew he was acting in order to appease the Gryffindors, but he still couldn't help laughing as well. And, as an added touch, Severus 'accidentally' let the potion get on one of his feet. He tossed a look at Sirius that clearly said 'You better be grateful.'

During lunch, Remus dragged Sirius to the Great Hall. Sirius stopped abruptly, tugging on the werewolf's arm to make him stop as well. Remus cast him a curious, and slightly frightened look. "Don't worry, I'm not breaking up with you." He leaned over and kissed the brunet's cheek. "I'm not hungry, so I'm gunna skip lunch, okay?"

Relief flooded Remus's face. "Yeah. How about I come with you? We could have a little alone time?" Remus slipped his arms under Sirius's robes and around his waist, rubbing his hands slowly down his hips in a suggestive manner. Sirius blushed and gently pulled back, causing Remus to look upset.

"Not that the offer isn't very enticing, but you skipped breakfast and Minnie assigned an essay so you won't be eating much dinner either. Go eat. We can meet up in Care of Magical Creatures, alright?" Sirius kept his voice gentle and warm to help his persona of innocence. Remus sighed but accepted the offer. "Good, boy." Sirius was about to head off to meet Severus but was stopped by Remus pulling him into a tight hug. "Need something?"

A goldenrod head nuzzled into his chest. "Just a hug before you go." Sirius obliged and gave him a soft squeeze. "Thanks." Remus smiled before turning to the Great Hall. "Stay out of trouble!" He called softly as he met up with Peter and James.

Sirius made sure Remus was occupied then ran off to the statue where he was supposed to meet the Half-Blood Prince. The teen was leaning there, a smirk planted on his face. "I was beginning to wonder if you could get away from your boyfriend for even a few seconds," he sneered.

The pureblood grimaced and took hold of the other's arm. "Oh shut up!" The two walked out onto the grounds and towards the lake where the Giant Squid was floating about lazily. "So why'd you decide to be civil to me today?" he asked softly, hand still on Severus's elbow.

"Believe it or not, seeing the pain that Lupin's causing you is too much for even me to bear," he said airily. The pair sat under a tree and began their little 'picnic'. Severus leaned his back against the tree, one leg pulled up slightly while he stretched the other out. Sirius eyed him sadly, remembering when that was an open invitation for him to lean against the other. After a few minutes had passed, Severus heaved an exasperated sigh. "Well, lie down." Sirius startled at hearing this, but didn't argue.

He twisted his body so that he was sitting on Severus out-stretched leg and leaning his back against the other's chest. Severus slid an arm around Sirius's waist, keeping the other free so he could still eat his sandwich. Sirius smiled. "You're in a good mood, aintcha?" Severus sneered and pressed a soft kiss to the Animagus's neck. "Severus?"

"Mmm?" He inquired, continuing the ministrations to the Gryffindor's neck.

"I told you that I'm dating Remus, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Which would insinuate we broke up, yeah?"

A pause. "Yeah."

"Well then. . . . ."

"You can't deny that you still want me." Severus pointed out, turning Sirius's head with two fingers so he could kiss his face. Sirius groaned in frustration. "See?" He pressed his lips firmly to Sirius's, probing it with his tongue.

Over an hour later, in Care of Magical Creatures, Sirius was once again with Remus, who was clinging to him tightly. I Oh boy. /I he thought. i Severus. . . . or Remus/I He b needed /b to be with Remus so he would be safe from harm. But he b wanted /b to be with Severus so he could be happy.

Severus had offered himself again, wanting to get back together with Sirius. But, there was the small matter of Remus's tendencies towards self-mutilation. Stuck between a werewolf and an evil mastermind. Merlin's beard, he was confused.

A slender hand with long fingers wrapped around his forearm. He looked over to Remus and offered a warm smile. The other boy smiled back, sliding his fingers down to entwine with Sirius's. He mouthed the word 'sorry' which greatly confused Sirius. "What?" he murmured.

"I'm sorry," he tried again. Sirius still frowned in confusion, so Remus elaborated. "I cut myself during lunch break. Not deep," he assured.

Sirius pushed up Remus's sleeve and saw magically healed cuts criss-crossing his arm. His brows knitted together in frustraion. "Remus, why didn't you–." No. He was glad Remus didn't come get him. He would have seen Severus snogging him by the lake. "Why did you do it?"

The werewolf's face flushed. "Well. . . . I missed eating with you. . . . But I didn't want to bother you."

Sirius's heart sank. He cut himself because Sirius wasn't eating lunch with him? This would be more difficult than he originally thought.

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And thus ends chapter 3. Conflict arises. Ooo maybe I'll use that as the chapter title! Anyway, please review! I won't load chapter 4 until I get some feed back so I know this isn't a complete waste of my time. Thanks. 


	4. Fooling Around

Hello, fair friends! Here's chapter four. Be warned, there's a little bit of "fooling around" in this chapter.

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Remus and Sirius excused themselves from Care of Magical creatures, which translated more accurately to Sirius dragged Remus off in the middle of class, leaving James and Peter to deal with the Horklump infestation their group was assigned to. After a good ten minutes of being pulled, Remus yanked his arm back and gestured to an empty class room. "Why don't we go in here?" Sirius nodded and wrenched the door open, letting the werewolf in first. 

After they both were in the classroom, he close and locked the door. "Remus–!" The boy threw himself at Sirius, tears already soaking his face. This helped quell Sirius's anger, which in turn softened his voice. "Remus," he began again, arms encircling his sobbing classmate, "please tell me there is more to why you did it than I wasn't there at lunch?" He felt Remus shake his head in negation against his chest. Sighing, he pulled Remus toward a chair and sat down with him in his lap. "Rem. . . ."

The werewolf took a few breaths then nuzzled Sirius's shoulder. "I'm sorry," he choked out. "I just needed you. I get depressed when you're not there. . . ." Sirius put his chin on Remus's head and rubbed circles on his back. "Please, please don't be angry . . . !" He begged, clutching the front of Sirius's robes tightly. "I–."

He was cut off as Sirius leaned down and stilled Remus's lips with his own. "I'm not angry. Just disappointed." Remus nodded and rubbed his knuckles over his eyes to rid them of the tears. The dog-animagus smiled as his boyf– er. . . friend started to calm down. He looked up, chin still on Remus's head. Through the window he saw his boyfriend looking slightly miffed at him. But Severus stayed outside the door quietly, understanding that Sirius was trying to help his friend.

Only after class ended had Remus calmed down. Remus placed a soft kiss on Sirius's cheek before heading off to Ancient runes, which Sirius wasn't taking because he didn't i care /I about learning a new alphabet, or whatever it was. They went to the door and Sirius watched Remus go towards his next class. Once Remus had turned the corner, he felt two arms wrap around his waist. He leaned back against the owner of the arms and groaned. "What happened?"

"I wasn't at lunch with him. He got depressed. He cut himself and apologized for doing so during Care of Magical Creatures. Then I got mad and. . . . Yeah you can figure the rest." He turned around and wrapped his arms around the slender neck. "Thanks for ducking out of the way when we came out, Sev."

Severus nodded and pulled back from the hug, leading the way towards Divination. Why they were taking it, they still weren't certain. But they went on to class anyway, shoulders bumping every few steps. But neither cared. Halfway to the tower, Sirius slid an arm around the Prince's waist, smiling at him. Severus smirked and pulled him closer. "I'm thinking Divination sounds extremely boring about now. . . ."

But, Sirius was all but failing Divination. He'd need someone to get a briefing of the lesson from. However, James had dropped out and Peter had flunked out. His eyes spotted a skinny girl with frizzy orange hair a few paces ahead of them. "Hey! Sybil!" He pulled away from Severus and signaled to him to wait. Sybil turned and looked at Sirius, eyes wide through coke-bottle glasses. Her face lit up at being given attention from one of the 'hottest' boys at school.

"Sirius Black!" she squeaked. "Oh- uhm. . . I mean, hello!" Sirius decided to lay on the charm to get what he wanted. He draped an arm around Sybil and put on his most charming smile. After a minute of harmless flirting, Sybil agreed to meet him and Severus in the library the next evening to help them with the lesson.

"Thanks, Syb. Look forward to our lesson tomorrow!" He waved over his shoulder as he went back to Severus, who stood across from a tapestry of trolls doing ballet. There was a door right beside him. They entered, hand in hand, to find a completely empty room about fifteen by ten feet. There was a large window on the wall to the left of the door. Sirius walked over to it, looking out. He could see the first years in the flying classes, the sixth years going down to the edge of the Forbidden Forest for their lesson. When he turned back around, he noticed that the door was locked and a futon-style bed was in the middle of the floor, Severus standing over it and placing his wand back in his pocket. "Niiice. How'd you find this place?" _This room isn't on the Map yet. I'll need to tell the others about it so we can add it on. _

A smirk appeared on his face. "Lucius told me about it," he said coolly. Sirius groaned at the mention of his cousin's fiancè. He loathed the blond man. But before the Black heir could say anything, Severus claimed his lips warmly. "Despite what you think, I was never with Lucius in that way." He murmured against his boyfriend's lips, which twitched into a smile.

Sirius wrapped his arms around Severus, who returned the gesture. Their lips met again, more fiercely this time. After some time, not even they could tell where one ended and the other began. Severus pushed the Gryffindor backwards until he tripped over the edge of the futon. Sirius landed on his back, legs spread and bent slightly. Severus settled above him, straddling his waist, and set his hands on either side of Sirius's head. They were still glued together at the lips, tongues darting in and out of each other's mouth.

With a soft tug, Severus felt his pants slide down his hips. He smirked into the kiss and shifted his torso and arms until his robes were on the ground beside them. Sirius sat up, which forced Sev up, and slipped his robes off too. "Shirt. . . gone. . . ." Severus panted. Sirius nodded as he felt hot lips travel down his neck and suck on his collar bone. He hurriedly undid the top few buttons on his school shirt then pull it over his head.

Back on his back, lips occupied, Sirius let his fingers wander down his boyfriend's chest, slipping the buttons from their holes until the it was completely open. Severus shucked it off and tossed it towards the window vaguely. Soon, they were both in the starkers and under the sheets of the magicked futon.

Severus grabbed his wand and murmured a spell, aiming his wand at his hand. Sirius recognized the spell when he saw a cool gel in Sev's hand. He couldn't suppress the grin that exploded on his face.

Dinner came around and Sirius was still floating on cloud nine. Severus grinned at him from across the Entrance Hall. Remus was on, yes**on** Sirius's left side, unable to see Severus to the right. When black eyes met silver, three words rang in Sirius's head. 'I love you.' Sirius grinned back at his new lover. He loved that word. 'Lover.' He was going to use it like crazy now, as he was sure Severus would.

"Hey, Pads, can we sit by ourselves tonight? I want to have you alone. . . ." he crooned a bit suggestively. Sirius felt colour rise up to his face but nodded. He forgot about Remus for a moment there. He'd have to be careful. "C'mon! Let's sit here!" The two canines sat at the end of the table, which was partially in shadow from the candlelight. Remus insisted on sitting very close to Sirius's left, much to Sirius's dismay. He couldn't steal glances at Severus, who was behind him.

Seeing as Sirius usually ate with his left hand while Remus ate with his right, Sirius managed to move to the other side of the table. He made sure to stretch his legs farther than necessary in order to keep their feet and knees touching. About ten or fifteen minutes into dinner, Remus smirked and slipped under the table. Sirius looked up at Severus, who was straight across the Great Hall from his spot, but with the Hufflepuff table in between them. Both of them had inquisitive looks on their faces.

That is until Sirius felt hands on his inner thighs. He went rigid for a moment then leaned back and looked down under the table discretely. There was Remus, looking up at him with a mischievous grin on his face. "What are you **doing**?" He hissed to the werewolf.

"I was going to blo–." He was silenced with a hand over his mouth.

"In the middle of the Great Hall? Where anyone would be able to tell what was going on?!" He looked incredulous. Remus nodded, twinkle still in his eyes. After some consideration, Sirius found the idea rather. . . _'uplifting'_. He smirked and moved his hand away from Remus's mouth, nodding his acceptance. He quickly cast a few simple spells to hide most of what was going on from those around them. Muffling spells, distorted kinds of concealment spells. What he hoped was that people looking at him would think he was in some kind of pain, rather than pleasure.

Remus began his 'work' on Sirius. To Padfoot's surprise, Moony was _very_ good. He caught Sev's eye for a moment and saw the distaste and jealousy in his eyes. Sirius shrugged, trying to convey that it 'was to help Remus'. He could always make it up to Severus later. That, he knew.

When Remus was finished, Sirius had his head hidden in folded arms on the table in front of him. Remus slid back up into his seat and undid the charms Sirius had cast. He was grinning like a madman, cheeks flushed and lips red and puckered. All Sirius said was "Blimey, Moony."

After Remus had gone up to the Common Room with Prongs and Wormtail, Sirius grabbed Sev's arm and pulled him into a deserted corridor. "C'mon, Sev!" He draped his arms around Severus and pressed his body tightly to the other boy's. Snape contemplated him for a moment then pressed a fierce kiss to the Black's lips.

"All is forgiven," he whispered before adding play-threateningly, "this time." Sirius grinned and gave him a brief kiss before hurrying off to his Common Room. He'd probably end up with two detentions. One for ditching out early of Care of Magical Creatures and the other for out-right skipping Divination. Though he might get out of the former since he ran off with Remus. Could get by saying something about Remus and the wolf having problems. . . .

The Common Room was mostly empty, seeing as the Marauders were practically the last to leave the Great Hall. Remus was sitting in his and Sirius's favourite chair in front of the fire, poking his wand at something small in his hands. When he noticed Sirius, he quickly hid the object in his school bag. "Hey," he gasped out, face still a bit flushed.

"Hey." Sirius replied, thinking of his experience with Severus that afternoon so his face was similar to Remus's. The two went up to the dormitory, hand in hand. Soon, Sirius feared reliving the experience in that strange room except with Moony instead. But he stopped the slim boy. "No. Not yet. Please. I shouldn't have let you do that in the Great Hall. I –." _Think fast, Sirius, think fast. _"– I don't want to risk going too fast and hurting you." Remus seemed to accept this easily and moved his hands to less inappropriate places.

"Can I still sleep on your bed with you?" he asked meekly. Sirius nodded, drew the curtains around them, and pulled the blankets up to their chins.

To distract him from the rejection, Sirius brought up the room. "I think I found a room not on the Marauder's Map." This grabbed Remus's attention. "I'll show you tomorrow. It's across from that tapestry of the trolls in tutus." He said vaguely.

Remus's expression screwed up. "No. . . . there's no room there, Sirius. I've been by there hundreds of times. Solid wall," he whispered. "Still. . . . I guess they could have added a room since I've been through there last. What was there?"

"Nothing. Just a big window. Bit bigger than the D.A.D.A. professor's office." He never referred to that office as belonging to a specific name. A new teacher every year, he simply called it the D.A.D.A. office. "I'll show you tomorrow!" he decided.

The werewolf nodded and leaned over, placing a soft kiss on the boy's lips. "G'night, Sirius. Sleep well." Sirius nodded and muttered something similar to the other before drifting to sleep.

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There's chapter four. A bit of smut for you. I couldn't resist! Please review. 

And I apologize for the long wait. I kind forgot about it. Haha. I'll try to upload the next chapter in a few days. Please review!


	5. Mistakes

Hallo! Here's chapter five. One of my favourites so far. Thanks to Decimare for the review! And thanks to everyone who's actually reading. 3

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O.W.L.s approached rapidly, meaning that Sirius and Severus had less time to spend together. Both spent most of their free time in their respective common rooms studying. Sirius had taken to sitting in the middle of the Gryffindor Common Room with Peter, Remus, James, and – surprisingly – Lily Evans. Not that he complained about the redhead sitting with them. It meant they had two O-level students instead of one. Granted, neither would accept being called 'O-level' and would say that they'd have to wait till their O.W.L.s got back in the summer to find out if they made any O's. But Sirius, Peter, and James still kept the title for them. 

"Evans!" James whined, dropping his quill back in the ink bottle, "why do I have to write this? Can't you write it for me?" The redhead simply offered a glare before going back to her essay. "I'll change the words so they're smaller! No one will know that you actually wrote it!"

As he continued to plead with her, Lily turned to Remus, who was all but sitting in Sirius's lap. "Do you spoil them like that all the time? Letting them copy your essays?" The werewolf felt a blush creep up his neck.

"Aaah, sometimes. I make them change it some though. They all have good reasons when I let them!" Remus added hastily at the look of pure evil on Lily's face. "Such as, when James has lots of Quidditch practice, I let him copy my essays. When Peter's having trouble understanding a subject, or missed class because of Bella's pranks, though thankfully she's gone so that's not an issue anymore. And Sirius when–."

A grin crossed her face. "When he promises you sex afterwards?" All the Marauders froze, Remus and Sirius red-faced from embarrassment and James and Peter staring wide-eyed at the other three. "Ah, I hit the nail on the head, did I?"

Sirius regained himself first. "No! Rems and I haven't had sex, thanks. Unlike you and Prongs there." He gestured to the bespectacled boy, who was now sporting a far-off look. This turned Lily's face red.

"Oh shut up, you!" She waved her wand at him, murmuring under her breath. Sirius felt boils rise on his face and he frowned. The others laughed long and hard, James the longest and hardest though. Remus quickly stopped his laughter and turned to rid Sirius's face of the blemishes, reprimanding Lily in a voice that clearly said 'I'm trying very hard not to laugh.' Lily shrugged, going back to her essay with a grin still in place. "Sorry, Remus, but he had it coming."

The rest of their studying went by in relative peace, though they didn't stop talking and pleading to copy essays. Lily eventually gave in to Peter because he was having so much difficulty with the D.A.D.A. assignment. Prongs was appalled at this. "It's on _werewolves_, Pete. _Werewolves_!" Remus cast him a nasty look, afraid the others in the Common Room might figure out what he meant.

Lily slapped James's knee, a scowl on his face. "Werewolves are a complex subject! You heard what Professor Abrahm said about them. It's practically impossible to understand them fully unless you are one or have studied them in person." She never moved her eyes from the parchment she was writing on. Peter was across from her, fervently copying down what she wrote but changing things here-and-there to make it sound more like something he'd write.

These 'study sessions' continued most nights of the week, and often times during breaks. However, at the arrival of a Hogsmeade weekend, the meetings went on hold for a day. During breakfast of that Saturday, Severus came over to the Gryffindor table and whispered to Sirius. "Meet me in the courtyard and we can go together." Sirius nodded.

But before he left, Severus caught sight of Lily. He froze for a moment then smiled to her. "You haven't been down to the Slug Club, lately, Lily. Been busy?"

The redhead looked up at him with a grin. "Yeah. Helping these nutcases keep up with their work." She paused then turned to Remus. "Not that you're nutcase, Remus! I meant the other three." The werewolf simply laughed and waved a hand to negate it.

Severus nodded to her. "Slughorn's having a party tomorrow night. He says one last night of fun before O.W.L.s. You should try to come. You can bring a guest or friend if you want." He kept a soft smile on his face.

Joy sparked in Lily's face. "Okay. Usual time and place I assume?" The Slytherin nodded. "I'll be there, then! Maybe I can get that Ravenclaw boy, Xenophilius to come. . . ." She wondered aloud. "Well, I'll see you then, Severus!" He nodded before going back to his own table. Remus had a suspicious look on his face when Sirius glanced at him. James had a look of pure hatred mixed with a handful of jealousy. This would be interesting.

In the courtyard, Sirius waited by the fountain for Severus to come out. He had the worst time shaking off Remus and ended up saying he had left his money in the dormitory and to go on without him. A sigh escaped him at the moment Severus arrived. "What? Don't want to spend the day with me?" Sirius looked at him and a smile pulled at his lips. "Problems with the sickly one again?" After a moment of thought, he realized that meant Remus.

"Yeah. He suspects us, I think." He stood and the two headed off to the little village. Sirius slid his hand into the slightly smaller one, threading their fingers together. Severus gave his hand a slight squeeze, not taking his eyes off the path. "So. . . what was with you and Evans this morning?" Sirius's voice was a bit harsher than he intended. Was he actually jealous of a Muggle-born? Surely not. _Toujours pur_ right? Surely the Snape family felt similarly.

Severus pulled the other boy into a small alley in between the first two shops they passed. "I've known Lily since we were about nine. You can't honestly expect me to not be kind to her?" Sirius shrugged, not really believing him. Severus sighed and gestured to a bench near them. Sirius sat, watching his lover with a curious expression. "What?"

"Severus. . . . Do you. . . y'know. . . ." He trailed off, not particularly wanting to finish his statement, or find out the answer.

The Slytherin shook his head and sat beside Sirius. "Didn't I just say that we've been friends for years? Since before Hogwarts, even?" Sirius nodded, looking up into a pair of dark eyes. "We're just friends. Nothing more." Something still felt off to Sirius, though. He opened his mouth to protest, but was cut off. "I don't use people and cheat on people like you do, Black!" Severus hissed.

Needless to say, that struck a chord in Sirius. He frowned and rested his elbows on his knees, hands draping off into the space between them. "Yeah. . . . Yeah, sorry." He forced himself up off the bench and went to the entrance of the alley, waiting there for Severus to catch up. His mind was swirling with thoughts. He never viewed what he was doing as cheating on either Remus or Severus, because it was clear to him and Severus that he had no feelings for Remus as more than a friend. But that was a twisted view. He. Was. _Cheating._

Severus took his hand again and began leading him towards the Three Broomsticks. "Sirius!" Severus had a hint of remorse in his voice. Sirius jerked out of his thoughts and saw that Remus was calling to him from across the pub.

"Oh. . . . I'll be back as fast as I can," he muttered before letting go of his hand and hurrying off to get to his friend. "Hey, what's up?" He sat down beside Remus, forcing a smile to his face.

"Nothing. Just hadn't seen you till now. Whe–."

Sirius felt fear rise in him, so he cut across Remus. "You didn't hurt yourself, did you?" he asked in a frantic whisper. "I wasn't gone for that long. You need to learn to contro–."

Two lips pressed warmly to his, breaking off the end of his sentence. But there was no spark. He felt disgusting kissing his best friend. "Nothing's wrong. I promise. I didn't do anything. Walked down here with James, Peter, and Lily. But James and Pete wanted to go check out the new shipment they saw going to Zonko's, so they left about five minutes ago. And Lily is in the bathroom. I'm fine." He smiled at Sirius to prove his point.

"Okay," Sirius conceded, letting his eyes slide down to look at his arms for a moment. "Okay, I believe you." For good measure, he leaned in and kissed Remus's cheek.

Remus began asking him questions, wondering if he'd gone anywhere since he'd gotten down to Hogsmeade, what Severus had said to him during breakfast ( to which he responded "Oh, just threatening me if we pulled another prank like the levitating pants one from last week. ), and what he wanted to do today. After what felt like ten or so minutes of talking, Sirius glanced at his watch and noticed it had been nearly forty-five minutes. He quickly looked around to see if Severus was still there. Thankfully, he was sitting at a table over by the big window in the corner.

With none other than Lily Evans.

His heart sank at the look of happiness on Severus's face as he talked to the redhead. He wondered idly if this was how Remus felt when Sirius wasn't with him. If so, he could see why Remus would cut himself. He managed to shove Severus and Lily from his mind for a while when he realized he still felt the fear in his chest.

Grabbing Remus by the hand, he pulled him to the boy's bathroom and locked the door. No one else was there so there was no chance of being overheard. He gently made Remus sit down on a stool against the wall. "Remus. . . ," he whispered when he saw the blood that had leaked down into their entwined hands. Remus looked away, tears streaming down his face. Sirius quickly set to work on healing over the cuts.

His face was pale. Both of them were, actually. All the cuts were so deep. "Why, Remus?"

"I thought I heard Severus ask you to come to Hogsmeade with him. And I thought you said you would and. . . ." He choked on a sob. Sirius felt an ice dagger go through his heart.

He took Remus's head in his and pulled him down for a kiss. "Shhh. . . ." He placed butterfly kisses on his face and neck, deepening the kiss whenever he got close enough to his lips. "Remus, please. . . ."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." The werewolf repeated it like a mantra. With each repetition, the dagger in Sirius's heart twisted.

He couldn't take it anymore. "Shut up. . . ." He whispered. "Shut up!" He pulled Remus into his lap on the floor, holding him close. Remus shut up, tears still streaming down his face and breathing still ragged from crying. "Remus." He kissed him deeply, letting it trail down his neck and partially unbuttoned shirt.

At dinner that night, Remus was much cheerier, smiling and pink-faced. Sirius felt horrible. He'd gone so much farther than he had intended to go with his friend. Severus had tried to go to the bathroom and figured out what was going on in there, so he was furious with Sirius. And then there was the problem of Severus over-kindness to Lily Evans. Wasn't his love life just _**peachy**_?

However, he knew whatever Severus felt for Lily, the redhead only felt friendship in return. Because now, Lily and Prongs were getting along **very** well. He and Remus had caught them snogging in the Common Room after they'd come back early from Hogsmeade. Prongs had no problem continuing their business with a small audience, but Lily, apparently, did. She slapped James then stalked off to her dormitory when she found out that Sirius and Remus were there and James hadn't stopped.

But, back to dinner. The absolute _worst_ meal of the day, so far as Sirius was concerned. He didn't want to sit with just Remus again, for fear of reliving the dinner of a few weeks ago. He wanted to sit with Severus so that he could talk and explain what happened at the pub. He didn't want to sit with Severus because he had lied to Sirius about not having feelings for Evans. So, he ended up sitting with Lily to his right, James to his left, Peter across from him, and Remus across from Lily.

Lily was still angry at Prongs, so Sirius ended up acting as a barrier to James's advances and Lily's attacks. Oddly enough, he was perfectly fine with his seat. Kept Remus from feeling abandoned. Kept him and Severus apart so they couldn't fight, but they could still convey messages through expression. And kept Lily from killing James, not to mention kept him and Pete entertained.

But Sirius knew that, eventually, he would have to talk to Severus about the cheating incident at the Three Broomsticks and talk to Remus about what happened. He would also have to tell Remus the truth at some point. Fifth year. SUCKED.

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End chapter five. I really like this one. Probably because relate to some of it. Excuse typoes, etc. I usually miss them and I'm lacking in a beta to find them for me. Hmm. . . .I got a random idea to draw something to go with this chapter. If I ever do, I'll post a link to it.

Well, read and review! You know the drill.


	6. OWLs

Chapter 6! One of my personal favourites. Based off of two chapters from two of the books: "Snape's Worst Memory" from _Order of the Phoenix_ and Chapter 33 from _Deathly Hallows_. Enjoy!!

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"Did you like question ten, Moony?" Sirius asked, grinning widely. Remus chuckled.

"Loved it. 'Give five signs that identify a werewolf.' Excellent question."

"D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" James asked, feigning concern.

"Think I did," Remus murmured thoughtfully, looking serious. "Let's see. . . . One: He's sitting on my chair. Two: He's wearing my clothes. Three: His name's Remus Lupin.. . . ." Both Sirius and Remus broke into fits of laughter, James chuckling as well. Somehow, it seemed odd to them to be asked how to identify a werewolf.

Peter's brows knitted together. "I got the snout shape, the pupils–. . . . ." Sirius stopped listening. _Come on, he hangs out with a werewolf every month. How can he not remember all the differences_. James voiced these thoughts. Remus shushed him up, fearing someone might hear. Sirius sighed, watching all his friends. But somehow, things didn't feel right. Was he being watched? Were they_ all _being watched? He glanced over his shoulder to a blank spot a few feet behind him. Just big enough for someone their age to be walking there. But no one was there. Unless someone other than James had an invisibility cloak?

"Padfoot!" Sirius startled out of his reverie and turned back to his friends, heart beating a million kilometres a minute. Remus was looking at him with a worried face. "You okay, Pads?" Sirius nodded, instinctively holding his hand out for Remus to hold. The werewolf took it, entwining his smaller fingers with his. He leaned close for a moment, whispering to him. "I love you, Padfoot."

A flutter rain through Sirius's chest for a moment, catching him off guard. Usually the flutter only came when Severus was near him. What the hell?! He shook his head to negate the thought. The Marauders settled under a tree near the lake, Remus quickly letting go of Sirius's hand in favour of reading through one of his millions of books. Sirius simply sat beside James's legs, seeing as James was entertaining himself with his stolen snitch. After a few minutes of this, Sirius spoke up. "Put that away, will you? Before Wormtail wets himself from excitement!" Peter's face flushed and James shrugged. Remus chuckled behind his book.

Sirius frowned. "I'm bored!" he whined. "Wish it was a full moon. . . . ."

A snort sounded from behind the book. "You might," the brunet said darkly. "We've still got Transfiguration, if you're bored you could test me. Here." He held his book out to Sirius.

"I don't need to look at that rubbish. I know it all!" Sirius countered.

"This'll liven you up Padfoot! Look who it is. . . . ." James gestured towards Severus, who was reading at the lake's shore nearby.

"Severus. . . . ." Sirius murmured, so it ended up sounding like _Smivenus_, which could be passed off as 'Snivellus.' Sirius hesitated. After cheating on Severus, could he really prank on him? Was it fair? Surely not. But the others would get suspicious if he said no. So he simply followed James, not accepting or rejecting the invitation. He still hadn't made up with Sev. But he was sure he'd be able to.

The next few minutes flashed by quickly. James used multiple spells on Severus, including _Expelliarmus, Impedimenta_ and_ Scourgify_. A group gathered around, laughing almost maniacally at the poor Slytherin. Everyone but Remus of course, who kept his nose firmly pressed into his book. _'If I don't see you misbehaving, I can't punish you.'_ That was always the werewolf-prefect's excuse. Sirius began to laugh with everyone else, whether because laughter was infectious or because of either of the situations – Sev's or Remy's – he didn't know. Or care really.

Soon, their fun came to an end as Lily Evans walked up. "Put him down, Potter!" she practically growled. James tried to defend himself saying 'We were only having fun,' but Lily repeated her instructions. So the bespectacled boy obeyed. Lily went to Severus when he was back on the ground, offering help. But Severus just turned to her and glared.

"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like you!" he sneered before stalking off. Sirius went slightly rigid, highly uncomfortable with the situation. Lily looked thoroughly hurt. James went to console her, but she simply slapped him and stormed off.

Remus finally closed the book he had been 'reading' during the whole episode and went to stand by the other three Marauders. "This should turn out interesting," he murmured to them. All they could do was agree. Remus slid his hand into Sirius, who squeezed it absently, mind focused on his Slytherin lover, or possibly now ex-lover. . . . .

That night, the Marauders all sat around the fire in the Common Room, none really talking to one another. Remus was curled in on himself slightly, prodding a small object with his wand like he'd done that night some weeks ago. Curiosity told Sirius to ask what the object was. Logic told him to sod off and mind his own bloody business. Curiosity reminded him that Remus was his boyfriend and lover, even if the feelings were only one sided, on Rems's side.

He slid out of his chair and half walked-half crawled to where Remus sat in his chair. He put a hand on the werewolf's foot and then placed his chin on the hand. Remus quickly put the object into one of his pockets. But not so quickly that Sirius didn't get a glimpse. It was relatively small and definitely spherical. It looked to be made of glass. Maybe it was a Remembrall? It did have some misty type of quality inside it. But why would Remus need one?

Maybe he was fixing it for someone? Probably. Remus was that nice of a person. He shrugged it off, prodding Remus's shin. "Wawuzzat?" He crooked a finger towards the pocket the sphere had been shoved into. Remus waved his hand, muttering 'nothing.' Sirius accepted this easily, slipping his fingers through the prefect's loosely. Remus smiled but kept his slightly curled position, allowing Sirius to pull his fingers towards his lips.

Butterfly kisses landed on the slender fingers as Sirius pushed himself up to sit in the oversized chair beside his dorm-mate. "I love you, Siri." Remus kept their fingers entwined, but ran the index finger of his free hand over the opposite forearm. Sirius grabbed the other hand and kissed the heel of his palm.

"No, Moony. You aren't allowed to cut yourself anymore," he reprimanded, keeping his voice gentle.

"Yeah. . . . I know. . . ." Remus sat up a bit and placed a chaste kiss on Sirius's cheek. "I'm off to bed. Want to come?" Sirius would have taken him up on that offer, had Evans not been all-but-dragged down from the girls' dorm in her pyjamas.

Remus looked over at Lily and chuckled, understanding Sirius's reasons. He gave the grey-eyed boy a pat on the arm then went up the boy's stairs.

. . . . .Lily Evans was sitting on her bed, running a brush through her hair furiously. Her afternoon encounter with Severus Snape was still fresh on her mind._ How_ dare _he call me a 'mudblood'! _She grimaced. _Then again, I'm the only Muggle-born that he hadn't called that. It was only a matter of time, I guess._ She flopped onto her bed, still growling a bit, as one of her dorm mates came into the room looking frustrated. Lily put her brush down and watched her friend. "What's up?"

"Severus Snape is outside the portrait hole and he wants to talk to you," Mary said tiredly. Lily was about to refuse, but was cut off. "He says he'll sleep there outside the Fat Lady if he has to." Lily frowned. She didn't want to deal with this now. But she knew Severus very well. He _would_ sleep in front of the Fat Lady if need be. What was it the Headmaster had said about Slytherins? _'They will use any means to achieve their desires'_ or something like that.

After another moment's thought, Lily rolled over and buried her face into her pillow. "No. Thank. You." She articulated each word, hoping what she said was clear.

Mary frowned and grasped Lily's arms, dragging her out of the dorm and to the Common Room. "Just go get him to leave!" she growled, shoving Lily towards the portrait hole. Lily growled back, eyes ferocious as she watched her friend. She vaguely noticed Sirius and Remus saying goodnight to each other in their usual chair, though both were watching her discretely. She huffed and went through the small hallway to the back of the Fat Lady's portrait.

Taking a few deep breaths, she pushed it open. Someone definitely was there, for there was a lot of rustling and shifting accompanied by nervous breathing as she opened the passage all the way. Severus stood there, eyebrows knitted together in nerves and concern. His hands were twisted in front of him, showing just how anxious he was. Before Lily could say anything, Severus spoke. "Lily!" She leaned against the portrait hole, very aware of the fact someone was slipping out passed her under an invisibility spell, and quirked an eyebrow. She noticed a foot appear for a brief moment just behind Severus and knew whoever it was, was out now, so she stepped forward and closed the portrait. "I'm sorry," Severus pleaded.

"_I'm_ not interested," she bit back.

"I'm sorry!"

"Save your breath," she replied coolly. She folded her arms across the front of her night gown, turning her head slightly and watching the Fat Lady from her peripheral vision. "I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here."

Severus nodded fervently, hands untwisting now and moving out in front of him. "I was! I would have done." He shifted one foot forward, bending it a bit to keep his balance. He was hunched over, one hand reaching out to her and the other slightly limp at his side. "I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just–."

"Slipped out?" She murmured, no pity in her voice. No emotion either, which made it that much more frightening. "It's too late! I've made excuses for you for _years_. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends –." After Severus didn't respond, but a guilty look came to his face, she continued. "You see? You don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?"

Severus's mouth opened as though he was going to say something, but quickly closed without a sound.

"I can't pretend anymore, Sev. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine." Lily heard a soft gasp from near Severus's right. So one of the Marauders was out eavesdropping, eh?

"No – listen, I didn't mean –."

"– to call me Mudblood?" Again, there was almost no emotion in her voice, as though she were stating today's date. "But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"

Again, Severus looked as though he wanted to say something, but before he could, Lily had turned back to the portrait hole and gone through. She made sure to hesitate slightly before closing the portrait back, so that who she assumed was James could come back in. However, she felt no urge to talk to him so she stalked off to her dormitory and went to bed before Mary could ask what had happened. While waiting for sleep to claim her, the Muggle's thoughts drifted from her anger at Severus to her recent fascination with James. And to the snogging session from a few days ago.

Pleasant thoughts filled her dreams. Thoughts of James and her possible future with him ( one in which he was not an obnoxious git ). Thoughts of Sirius and Remus being together and happy, for she could definitely see something was off between them. And thoughts of Severus _not_ being a Death Eater.

. . . . . Sirius had actually stayed outside the portrait after Lily had gone back in. He wanted to stay and talk to Severus, whom he could tell was upset. As soon as the portrait swung closed, he pulled James's invisibility cloak off and reached out to Severus, stroking his shoulder. He had done this earlier, the first time Severus had opened then closed his mouth without speaking. "You loved her, didn't you?" he asked quietly.

The Slytherin turned around and wrapped his arms around Sirius in a new way. This hold was less warm. Less in control. This hold was one that begged for comfort. Begged to be consoled. Sirius let his arms slide around the greasy-haired teen and kissed his forehead. He sighed, knowing the answer before his lover said it.

Severus buried his face in the Gryffindor's shoulder, crying for a while. After calming down a bit, he looked up at the other boy, tears still sliding down his face. "Sirius. . . . I _love_ her."

Sirius lifted the other's face with his hands and kissed the lips tenderly. "I know. . . . I know. . . ."

* * *

Okay so I'm trying out a slightly different format. May or may not keep it. As always, though, read and review! I'm currently working on a possible chapter 11 but I don't really like it so I may make it chapter 12 and write a different chapter 11 that would help explain some things a little more. 


	7. Chapter 7

As soon as the Transfiguration O.W.L. ended, Severus burst from the Great Hall and started heading towards the Slytherin dungeons. He didn't want to put up with Lily pointedy ignoring him. Plus he was still confused about Sirius. The boy had cheated on him. Had sex with Remus, right in the Three Broomsticks. But when Lily had rejected his apology so harshly, Sirius was there to comfort him. He didn't even say anything about the fact that Severus loved Lily. So when he felt a hand brush his elbow, he didn't know what to do. He ended up stopping but not turning to who it was.

A gentle voice answered him. "Severus, do you want to go for a walk?" Severus dropped his books, bag sliding off the now slack shoulder. A pair of arms circled his waist, in plain view of anyone in the Entrance Hall. "I managed to get passes to Hogsmeade for both of us. Please?" Severus tensed in the arms, heart beating fast. Sirius rubbed the Slytherin's waist softly.

Finally, Severus turned in the hold and wrapped his arms tightly around the other boy. "Alright. Let me put my books back in the Common Room." Sirius shook his head, placing a soft kiss to the other boy's temple. "Why not?"

"I'll carry them. C'mon." Sirius broke the embrace and picked up Severus's things, slinging the bag over his shoulder and sliding the books into it. Severus felt a smile twitch at the corner of his mouth but quickly hid it. He still wasn't sure that he forgave Sirius. But he let Sirius lead him off none the less. When they reached the edge of the Hogwarts grounds, Hagrid stopped them.

"Whaddyu two think yer doin'? Yeh can' go off–." The halfgiant was taking long strides towards them brandishing his pink umbrella. Sirius laughed warmly.

He pulled the passes from within his school cloak. "Don't worry, Hagrid. We've got permission from the Head Boy." Well that explained where the passes came from. Sirius probably slept with him too just to get the passes. Severus ducked out of reach when the Gryffindor made to put an arm around him. Sirius took it in stride.

The groundskeeper frowned then scrutinized the passes, squinting his black eyes at the small squares of parchment. "Well you an' Andromeda 'ave always bin closer 'in you an' Bella. Git 'er to ask 'er boyfriend, eh?" he chuckled before handing the passes back. "Dunno what you two're doin' hangin' 'bout but have fun, aright?" The two boys nodded then went off towards Hogsmeade. Severus mentally berated himself for thinking Sirius had cheated again. He had forgotten that Andromeda was dating Ted Tonks, Head Boy.

Sirius shifted as they walked down the path, leaving Severus to look at him in a curious light. Black eyes scrutinized the Gryffindor's posture, noting how open it, was, as though he were inviting Severus closer. _No_, he decided, _he's waiting for me to get closer._ Severus gave in and allowed himself to be held under Sirius's cloak with him. "We need to talk."

Grey eyes never wavered. "I know. I didn't expect to get out of it without talking." He brushed his finger tips against the other's hip. "I was hoping to wait until we could sit down. Not Rosmerta's, of course. I'd say Pudifoot's, but y'know. . . ." Severus nodded. "How about Hog's Head? Aberforth's always interesting. Except for the damn goat."

"All right."

The two crossed through the small town until they arrived at the pub on the opposite side. A greying old wizard was outside the front, chasing after a goat, yelling incoherently at it. Sirius chuckled. "Oi! You open?" The wizard turned around, bright blue eyes examining the pair over half moon lenses. Severus quickly turned so he was less recognizable but could still talk to Sirius.

"That's Dumbledore! What the hell are you doing? Are you trying to get us in trouble or–!" but before he could continue, the man cut across him.

"I'm open if you got here legally," he countered Sirius with a hint of amusement betraying his otherwise threatening tone and stance. Sirius laughed and offered the passes again. The man glanced at them then beckoned the pair inside. "Welcome. That Potter with you?"

"No. This is Sev," the Gryffindor replied vaguely as he took a seat at one of the empty places. Only a few others were in the pub, a small group of warlocks conversing with a goblin in a dark corner. Severus sat beside Sirius, suddenly wishing they'd gone to the Three Broomsticks.

The old man simply accepted Sirius's response. "Welcome, Sev. I assume you want the usual, Black. What about the boy here?" He nodded to Severus, barely seeming to acknowledge that he was a person and not a beast of some sort.

Sirius paused to think then looked at Severus. "What do you want? Butterbeer or. . . ?"

"Butterbeer's fine. . . . I'll have whatever you're having I guess. . . ." he replied.

"Usual for me. Butterbeer for him," Sirius gave their order and watched Aberforth disappear. Severus also watched.

"What is your usual then?"

"Firewhiskey," he stated blandly. "I come here when I'm troubled. He doesn't care about age, unlike Rosemerta."

Silence settled between them for some time until their drinks arrived. Severus decided that there was no way this Aberforth fellow was actually Dumbledore, despite their similarities in features. Sirius took a swig of Firewhiskey, Severus swirling his drink mindlessly. "We still need to talk."

"Yeah, okay." Sirius murmured. "Before I explain, do you have any questions?"

_Well, duh._ "Why did you do it?" The obvious one.

Sirius sighed and took another swig of alcohol. "He needed it. I got so confused I didn't think straight. In short: I fucked up." He set down his drink and slid it away from him a bit, presumably so he wouldn't drink it all right away. "To start from the top. . . . Or I guess, where I left you. . . ." He took a deep breath, turning to face the Slytherin, who looked back at him with a steady gaze. "I went to talk with Remus. He said the others had all gone off to do whatever and Lily had gone to the bathroom." He paused, a curious gaze searching the black eyes.

Soon, Severus realized that his lover was seeking confirmation. "Yeah. Lily said that too. She'd gone to the bathroom and when she came back she saw you and Lupin talking so she decided to leave you two alone. Said Lupin had gone to the bathroom when they first got to the pub and when he came back, he refused to take off his jacket. Lily thought he looked overheated. . . ."

A thoughtful expression came across the pureblood's face. "Oh. . . . That would explain when he did it. Apparently Remus cut himself while he was in the bathroom. Badly. When I saw his arms, a lot of the blood had already dried and caked. But before then, I was talking to him. Something seemed off and I was afraid. After talking for a while, I still was afraid so I pulled him off to the bathroom, thinking a more secluded area might make him open up."

A witch walked behind them, closer than necessary and looking as though she were eavesdropping, so the pair silenced. Sirius sipped at his drink again. Severus imitated him, needing to occupy his mouth to keep quiet.

When the witch passed, Sirius continued. "When we got to the bathroom, blood had gone down his arms and was streaming across his hands. So I cleaned the cuts up and asked why he had done it. He apparently overheard you that day at breakfast and got suspicious. Of course I lied to him about it. Then he started apologizing nonstop. But it drove me crazy so I told him to shove it. And then. . . . we ended up having sex. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea. I have no good excuse for why I did it other than I'm stupid and didn't think things through. I'm sorry but I know that those are only words."

The two boys looked into each other's eyes for a few moments. Severus saw tears welling in the other's eyes and then noticed some were slipping down his face, tracing the contours of his cheeks and lips. One pale hand reached up and brushed the tears away. "I love you, Sirius. I don't know. . . . I can't ever forget that you did that to me. But I can understand why, to some extent." He pressed his lips softly to Sirius's. "I can't forgive you yet. But I can give you a chance to make it up to me. To redeem yourself."

Lips met in a fierce kiss that would have been more discrete had one of the boys not been a bit pissed. Sirius wrapped his arms tightly around the slighter boy, pulling him close as their mouths fought for dominance. Severus returned the kiss just as eagerly, fingers balling up the Gryffindor robes. He felt like he was on cloud nine, a sense of euphoria washing over him. He hadn't realized just how much he'd missed Sirius's kisses. Though he liked to consider himself the more dominant one in the relationship ( he had been on top ), for now he was content to let Sirius be in control.

A soft, yet highly amused voice broke them apart. "Need a room?" Both boys immediately jumped back to their stools and turned towards the voice. The Dumbledore look-alike was leaning with his elbows on the tan;e, looking at the couple over the tips of his fingers Just like the Headmaster did. "Oh don't stop now, I was enjoying the show," the pub-owner said with a grin.

Sirius scoffed at him. "Oh shut it, you old geezer. And keep your trap shut about this with Lupin, Potter, and the Rodent! If I find out you said something to any of them–."

"Is the little Muggle girl in on it? Or do I need to keep quiet from her too?" The sarcasm in his voice was so thick it could rival Lucius's. Sirius took Severus's hand discretely under their table and nodded.

Severus squeezed it softly and smiled. Aberforth teased them for a few more moments before Sirius paid their tab and they walked out. "He looks like–."

"Dumbledore? Yeah. Brothers."

"Oh."

They walked back to the castle in silence, though Severus noted the silence wasn't uncomfortable as it had been in the past. Sirius would occasionally walk closer than necessary and rub their shoulders together. Severus finally took the hint and grabbed the Animagus's hand. Sirius leaned over and placed a kiss on the other's jawline. "I love you."

Severus felt a warm sensation rush through him, lifting him up. _All_ of him. "I love you too."

********************

"Hey, Black! Hurry up! Train's about to leave!" Ted Tonks was hanging out the door, waving his hand towards the Black heir. Sirius waved back from behind the brick gazebo-like area. Remus stood beside the Head Boy, leaning against the wall. "Huh. That boyfriend of yours is quite a character, Remus. If you could manage to punish him and the other two, you'd be a shoo-in for Head Boy."

Remus nodded. "Yeah, I know Ted. I just. . . . I can't make myself do it. Don't you have trouble punishing Andromeda Black?" The Ravenclaw's face coloured, causing the werewolf to laugh. "Knew it."

Shaking the embarrassment, Ted went on. "Well, how's your little problem?" He slid an arm around Remus's shoulder and led him towards the Prefect compartment. Remus simply crossed his arms over his chest, fingers drumming on his elbows. "That bad, eh?"

"Yeah. Getting worse." Remus curled into Ted's embrace, comforted by it.

The Head Boy smiled and ended up taking the boy into an empty compartment nearby. "The four of you spending time together this summer? Mainly, you and him?" He asked softly, closing their door. Remus shrugged.

"They want to get together. . . . late in July. But I don't really want them to." Remus sighed and stretched out near the window, resting his feet on the seat across from him. Ted nodded, running through the lunar calender in his mind. July's full moon was late in the month this year. Ted had learned long ago that Remus was a werewolf, though he never actually asked the younger boy about it.

The pair sat together for a time without talking. They'd come to know each other so well over the past year that it was a fairly common for them to sit in silence. But the Ravenclaw always broke it by saying something to comfort his friend. "He told you yet?"

Remus shook his head, murmuring a quiet, "No." He curled up a bit, bringing his knees towards his chest. The older boy shifted so he was sitting closer and smiled softly, watching his friend. Remus sighed and leaned against Ted's shoulder. "I almost don't want him to."

Ted shook his head. "Trust me. The truth is always best. He needs to–." Before the eighteen year old could say what 'he' needed to do, the compartment door was thrust open and a head of shaggy black hair greeted the pair. Sirius immediately took a stance of indignation at seeing the two so close.

"Here I was, running and searching for you to give you a kiss and I find you snogging Tonks instead?" Sirius faux-fumed at them. "Remus, I'm sorry but if you're going to take on another lover, then we're finished!" He rested the back of one of his hands to his forehead and managed a sob.

A grin broke out on the werewolf's face and he stood, going to Sirius. "You nut. You're the only one for me." He wrapped his arms around Sirius's waist and nuzzled his neck. Sirius simply chuckled and gave the smaller boy a squeeze.

"C'mon. Let's go find James and Pete. Good seeing you again, Tonks. Don't shag my cousin on the train ride home." Sirius called over his shoulder as the two pups went out into the hall.

Remus froze for a moment and cursed under his breath. "I left my bag in that compartment!" He turned to go back, repeating 'bollocks' with every step. Sirius, who found this amusing, went after him.

When they got back to the compartment, Sirius thrust the door open again, knocking Remus's bag over. "Shite. Sorry, Rems! I'll put it all back!" Sirius knelt and began putting the spilled contents back into the bag. A couple rolls of parchment, handful of quills, several different coloured inks, two different sized balls wrapped in cloths, a tiny crystal ball, a Remembrall with a large crack in it, an imitation Snitch, several books, and a stack of letters. _Pack rat much?_ Remus teased himself quietly.

After putting everything back in the bag, the two once again set out to find the other Marauders. Remus fidgeted a lot, throwing sidelong glances at Sirius, but the boy seemed completely normal. Well, as normal for Sirius Orion Black anyway.

_His initials are S.O.B._ Son Of a Bitch. _I'll have to remember that._


	8. Chapter 8

Lily Evans stood beside the prefect compartment, arms crossed and foot tapping. Remus was late. If he was off snogging Black instead of attending to his duties, she would have his sorry arse. _Then again_, she sighed, _a good snogging could help both of them. Something's going on with them anyway._ Emerald eyes closed for a moment as she shook her head, clearing her thoughts. One day, she would stop meddling in other people's business. When she opened her eyes, she saw the sixteen year old werewolf running towards her.

Today, apparently, was not that day. "Where the hell have you been, Remus? You're late! You better be glad Lucius graduated last year or he'd have your head!" She took in the boy's appearance quickly. Clothes were wrinkled, hair was a bit messy on one side, and his bag was missing. Upon closer inspection, she noticed that his lips were a bit red and swollen. She pulled him close as they entered the train compartment. "You weren't making out were you?" she hissed.

Remus tensed and laughed loudly, waving a hand to negate her statement. As though she were going to believe that! Maybe she was preaching to the choir though. Next time she would get at Black. And as she recalled, even Buddha reacted to the third slap. Though she probably was using that proverb wrong. She'd have to ask Charity Burbage, an older student in Muggle Studies, about it.

The pair sat down near the door. Ted Tonks offered them both a soft smile. "About time you showed, Lupin. Thank you for finding him, Evans." Both nodded solemnly. "Now, everyone else has chosen their rounds and, as you two are probably aware, the only one left is the end rounds. Abbot and Wilks are volunteered that round with you. You will make sure all the students retrieve their things," Ted's eyes twinkled. "Be mindful of the first and second years for they are most likely to forget things." Lily glanced towards Wilks, a blonde girl a year older than her. The Ravenclaw offered a lofty smile which, Lily assumed, was meant to be reassuring. So she smiled back then nodded to Ted. "Alright. Off with you then." He made a shooing motion with his hands.

"Yeah we're tired of seeing all your ugly faces," laughed the brunette next to him, the Head Girl. All the Prefects laughed, even a few of the Slythering ones. Lily and Remus quickly stood and headed out the door.

The redhead glanced the way Remus had come from earlier. "They down there?" Remus nodded and led the way. "So we got stuck with the Ravenclaw prefects, eh? Wilks always has been an oddball. She hangs around Lovegood a lot. I see them marrying one day."

Laughter erupted from Remus. "Are you Venus now or something, Lily?"

"Possibly." She offered a smug grin. "Anyway, you could have gotten in a lot of trouble for being late. Good thing Tonks likes you so much or you'd have got it."

Remus sighed and rubbed his arms in a motion suggesting he was getting rid of goosepimples. "I know, I know. But Black . . . ." He traced a finger over his lips. "He's a bloody good kisser. And he kept. . . ."

Lily stopped in front of their usual compartment. "Spare me the gritty details. I don't want to know about Black's sex drive!" She slid the door open and sat beside James, propping her feet up on the cushioned chair opposite her. Remus stood in the doorway, mouth moving without sound. The other three occupants stared at him, Black reaching out to touch his hand.

Finally, he found the ability to talk again. "We were _not_ having sex!" His words rang in everyone's ears for a moment, followed by a deafening silence. Then Black and James began laughing. After both received glares, James from Lily and Black from Remus, they deteriorated into fits of giggles. Remus stepped onto the seat beside Lily then across her stretched legs to the spot of cushion beside the window. He let his feet fall to the ground and he sat down.

Black slipped an arm around Remus's shoulders, a grin tugging at his lips. "And who, precisely, were you 'not having sex' with?" Remus slapped his arm away, looking miffed. He turned and used Black as a back rest, crossing his arms. "Awww, did I upset ickle Remsikins?" He used two fingers to turn Remus's head and placed a chaste kiss to his lips. Remus smiled and rested his head on the other boy's chest.

Lily felt James's arm slip around her shoulders and she leaned into his touch. "Hey you two! Get a room!" Peter stared in awe for a moment at both couples then looked out into the hallway, a blush on his face. Lily felt a pang of guilt. He didn't have someone special to ride home with. James rubbed Lily's shoulder softly, getting her attention. The mischievous grin on his face was the first thing she noticed. "Lookin' for that Hufflepuff broad, Wormtail?"

The rodent twitched and looked at James in amazement. "How did you–?"

"Oh c'mon! Give us some credit!" Black groaned from beside him. "We're more observant than you think!" He had an arm around Remus, fingers grazing the other's chest.

The youngest of their group laughed. "Give you some credit, Siri?" Black twitched and looked to Remus. "I believe it was I who figured it out and told both you and Prongs." Black and James both blanched a bit, tossing ashamed glances to one another.

Lily smiled warmly and leaned across the gap to touch Peter's forearm. "Who is she, Peter? The pretty Indian one?" Peter nodded. Lily racked her brain to remember the other girl's name. It was something that seemed odd. . . . _Megha? Or is it Nirja?_

Black tossed a small box to Peter, who fumbled while catching it. "Go find Nirja then. Have fun!" Peter's eyes widened as he looked at the box. He stuttered for a moment before James and Black both forced him out the door and magically locked it behind him. Remus, who had still been leaning on Black, was now lying on his back on the seat and watching his friends. Lily shook her head and moved to sit by the window.

James flopped into the seat beside her and Black returned to being Remus's back rest. Lily grinned and let James place a soft kiss on her cheek. "Mmm. . . . What do you want, Potter?" She couldn't deny having feelings for James. But she didn't have to be nice to him. James pouted but shrugged it off, setting up a game of wizarding chess. Black grinned and took up the challenge. Lily saw Remus shift against the boy, turning a bit to his side so he could rest his head against the other boy's shoulder.

As the two best friends played their game, Remus and Lily commented quietly to each other about how badly their significant others played. Soon, Black had checkmated James's king and claimed victory. Remus grinned and gave him a congratulatory kiss. Lily avoided James's attempt at a kiss. "Losers don't get rewards, Potter!" she half-growled. James whined and started to plead with her.

Happiness settled through the room. The two couples started exchanging ideas of who would hook up with whom the next year. After a while, James slid a hand into Lily's and leaned over to her. "Hey, let's go walk for a bit," he whispered into her ear. She looked towards the other two and saw the uncertain looks on their face, then nodded. The door slid shut behind them and then headed down the train a bit to find an empty compartment.

********************

Sirius watched as his friends left. Muscles throughout his body tensed. He didn't want to be left alone with Remus right now. He sighed as he felt Remus cuddle against him. Both of them were turned slightly to the side, Remus leaning against his chest and his arm wrapped around the werewolf's shoulders. "Sirius?" Said boy made a noise of acknowledgment. "You're tense." Sirius simply nodded.

The two boys sat in silence for a long time. They had no clue what time it was until the trolly witch came around with sweets and such. That meant it was around noon. Remus finally reached out and curled his fingers around Sirius's hand, humming a soft tune to break the silence. The dog sighed and forced Remus to sit up from him. Amber eyes met grey, both holding a bit of uncertainty. "We need to talk." Remus curled in on himself a bit. Sirius leaned forward and pulled his arms down. "No! Hear me through!"

Several minutes were required to calm down the frantic werewolf. Once he was settled into his chair again, Sirius kissed his cheek, but Remus shied away. "What did I do?"

"Remus, hear me through, mate," pleaded Sirius. When the werewolf nodded, he continued. "I'm not breaking up with you. . . . Not unless you want to after you hear what I say." Remus looked at him quizzically. Sirius gritted his teeth. He intended to tell Remus the truth here and now. But the way he had reacted changed his mind. Hopefully Sev would forgive him for putting it off for a bit.

A soft hand trailed up Sirius's arm to rest on his shoulder. "What do you want to tell me?"

"I–. . . ." _Hmm. . . . I can still tell him what Severus wants me to tell him without telling him the truth. Severus want me to stop being Remus's lover. He didn't say break up with him._ What a web of lies he was constructing. He'd have to make a chart over the summer to keep it all straight. "I think we screwed up. . . . Having sex so soon, I mean. . . ." Remus relaxed visibly. Confusion clouded Sirius's mind for a moment.

The werewolf pulled Sirius into a soft kiss. "Good. I was thinking the same thing." Sighing, Sirius pulled Remus into his lap. "I didn't want you to think I just loved you for sex. And I didn't want you to do that to me either. . . ." Pain was clear in Remus's voice, which still confused the older. Why was Remus hurting if he thought the same thing?

"You didn't think I was just using you for sex did you?" Arms wrapped around Sirius's torso, a head settling under his chin. He could feel the nod without seeing it. He quickly forced Remus's head up and looked straight into the quivering amber eyes. "Remus John Lupin. . . ." The boy flinched. "Never. . . . _Ever_. . . . think that again. You mean so much to me. And if the only reason I cared about you was for a casual fuck, then I wouldn't give a damn about your self-mutilation. And I'm not stupid! I know you do things other than cut yourself. But they aren't as harmful so for now I let them slide."

Tears began to stream down Remus's face. Sirius wiped away a few before slowly leaning in to kiss him. Now that he thought about it, he usually gave Remus quick and chaste or rough and passionate kisses. Well, now he'd have to change. He slowly worked his mouth against Remus's, sucking on his bottom lip gently. The other boy returned the kiss but otherwise, didn't move.

The two broke apart, Remus still in the other's lap. Sirius opened his eyes, not having realized that they closed, and looked at Remus. "I love you, dammit. . . . I love you. . . ." Remus choked on his words before dissolving into sobs against his dorm mate.

Sirius rubbed soothing circles on his back, whispering quietly to help calm him. Finally, he assured the werewolf "I love you too."


	9. Chapter 9

Severus stood silently, shoulder pressed roughly against a compartment door. Sirius backed out of the next compartment with a grin in his eyes and a pair of lips locked on his. Quickly, the canine broke free from his 'mate' and went down the corridor. Remus looked at Severus and smiled politely.

Sirius was in trouble.

After a moment of polite conversation, Remus politely excused himself to go attend his Prefect duties, saying "I'm sorry but I really need to make sure I do them. I hope you don't find me impolite for leaving." Everything about this boy was polite, almost to a fault – almost.

"Sorry! I told him I was going to spy on Pete." Sirius slipped out of the shadows and came up to him, a sheepish grin on his face. For a brief moment, the sallow skinned boy growled viciously. "I can't very well tell him the truth! It would break him, Sev." Still, he offered no response. Sirius sighed. "I did tell him I thought we had sex to soon. He agreed, so we won't be doing that again anytime soon." Severus sighed and pushed off the compartment door. "What?"

He had been _hoping_ Sirius would break up with the prefect. Or at the very least, tell him the truth. He wouldn't be as mad with his lover if Remus knew the truth. "Sirius, why can't you just tell him? That's what I wanted you to do in the first place!" He stalked off down the corridor, heading towards the compartment he'd been in earlier. No one else was in there so he slipped in, wedging himself in the corner. Sirius followed him in and slid the door closed. "Sit." The dog obeyed.

A thick silence settled over the compartment, broken only by the fidgeting of a nervous Gryffindor. Finally, Sirius slid down to the floor, looking up at the other with fear in his eyes. "What do you want from me?" he whispered, biting back tears. "I love you. . . . but I can't let him do this to himself. . . . You haven't seen the looks he gives me. . . . The utter devotion but there's something else. . . ." A single tear slipped down his cheek. "Fear. I hate seeing that fear. That's what makes him do this. Lover, boyfriend, best mate, total stranger – it doesn't matter! He's a human being, just like you or me or _Lily_. And he's**hurting** _himself_ because of ME. It's all _my_ fault. I have to do _something_ to try to help him. If I can get him off of self-manipulation and deem it safe to break up with him, I will. Merlin **knows** I will! But right now, it's out of the question. He has a problem. I have to help him with that problem. . . . . Sev, don't you understand? I love him, just not in the way I love you. . . . Or that you love Lily."

That one struck low and hard. Below the belt. He had given Sirius much grief about claiming to love two people at once while at the same time, he loved two people. But Sirius had never once berated Severus on being hypocritical. Actually, Sirius had never mentioned it at all, other than the one time outside the Gryffindor Common Room. And even here, just like there, Sirius wasn't berating him. It was simply an example that he knew would effect Severus strongly.

Severus sighed and slid to the floor beside Sirius. "Stop belly-aching and come here." A pair of grey eyes lifted. Sirius inched towards Severus, making sure he hadn't misheard, then curled into his arms. A steady hand rested on top of the black head. "Sirius. . . ." He leaned down, lips searching his face, sliding down from ear to jaw. An eager pair of lips awaited, working slowly against the Slytherin's. The kiss was brief, but powerful. Severus leaned against the wall beneath the window, rubbing soothing circles into Sirius's back.

Thoughts ran endlessly through the potion master's mind. What if Lucius had been in love with him? And what if, because Severus didn't return the love, Lucius began to harm himself? Surely Severus wouldn't be able to turn his friend away. No. . . . He would have done the same thing. Just imagining it made his heart twinge with guilt and pain. And Remus and Sirius were at least ten times as close. A deep sigh escaped him.

"I understand, Sirius. I really do." Severus nestled his face his Sirius's hair, taking in a deep sniff of Sirius's scent. Sirius smiled in response, murmuring a word of thanks. The pair shared a long, deep look, fire burning in both their eyes, as well as other places. Sirius looked up with a devious grin on his face, which Sev returned. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

The dog simply nodded. Then, they launched into a world all their own.

Remus Lupin stood silently on the platform by the crimson red train. He had a lot on his mind, and a lot to think about. People rushed around him, finding their luggage, reuniting with their families, saying goodbyes to friends. Lovers, girlfriends, boyfriends, all made promises to be faithful over the summer, made promises to hook up at some point, to owl or Floo everyday. James and Lily stood off to the side a bit, arguing, though eventually Lily gave him a goodbye kiss and ran off to her family. James smirked and headed off towards Pete for traditional Marauder goodbyes. None of this bother the werewolf. No, it was - more or less - all normal. Familiar. Welcome. Right.

But Sirius was not with the other two Marauders.

This wasn't right.

Any idiot would know where he was, but Remus didn't want to think about it. He wasn't with Reg and Kreacher. He wasn't saying a last farewell to Andromeda. He wasn't pulling a last minute prank of some poor, unsuspecting soul. He had to be with the only other student that was 'missing.'

"Hey, Moony! C'mon, Pete's about to leave!" Remus spun around to see James waving at him. A smile forced its way onto his face as Remus ran towards his friends. Peter was fidgeting a bit as Remus approached. "Adios, Wormtail, old boy! Well, not for long of course. We're all gonna visit Moony next moon, right?"

Peter nodded vigourously, but Remus shook his head. "James – ."

"Prongs," he corrected. One eyebrow raised at James. " . . . Sorry, go ahead." James responded sheepishly.

Remus started again. "James – oh, alright – _Prongs_. I don't want you to come this month. Or Wormtail or Padfoot either," Remus stated. James and Peter stared at him. Both looked aghast.

"What? Moony!" The words raised every hair on Remus's body. And it raised something _else_ as well. Sirius spun the werewolf around, holding him in place by his shoulders. "What do you mean you don't want us to come? We want to be there for you!" Sirius's eyes were ablaze, but Remus tried not to look into them. That damned intense look making his eyes smolder. It was a look he only had under two conditions. One, when he was trying to get his way. Two, well, Remus didn't want to think about that. Sirius dropped his voice. "You have to admit that full moons have been easier with us there to distract you, to help you."

Tears filled the boy's vision. He slid his hands up his love's arms, slipping them over his shoulders slowly. "Pads. . . . Please. . . ." Sirius sighed and pulled the other boy close to him.

James inched over and whispered into Sirius's ear. " . . . That's brilliant, Prongs! You, me, and Wormtail'll get together!" Sirius pulled away from Remus and knelt by his trunk. He threw the lid open and began digging through it.

"Siri, what in Merlin's beard are y–." He was cut off as a mirror was shoved into his hands. He recognized it at once. Sirius and James used it if they had separate detentions so that they could still talk. "Sirius. . . ." He wiped a quick tear away.

Padfoot pulled Remus down beside him and ran a hand through the already greying hair, tousling it. "Moony . . . . Remus. . . . We're just worried about you." A finger slid under Remus's face, hooking gently around the back of his chin. Sirius's thumb traced his lips then tugged his bottom lip down softly. The fingers pulled Remus's face to Sirius's. "Remus. . . ."

Warm, sweet air blew onto the werewolf's lips. _God, his breath his wonderful._ Their lips touched briefly. "Fine. . . . I'll ask my parents if you three can come. They'll get suspicious though."

"That's okay." Sirius placed another soft kiss to his lips. Remus's head was spinning. Why? Usually, that didn't happen. Usually, the kisses were fake, but Remus took them anyway.

Sirius was probably just still horny after spending the last leg of the train ride with Snivellus


	10. Chapter 10

A hot July sun beat down upon four teen boys as they ran through a clearing in the forest. James lead the way, Sirius and Remus hot on his tail, with Peter pulling up the rear. Sirius tackled the stag to the ground, growling playfully. Remus slid up to them on his knees, breathing rapidly to catch his breath. A few moments later, Peter caught up and nearly fainted from lack of O2 to his brain. He fell down beside Remus, landing on his rather large rump.

James and Sirius wrestled for a bit before their need of oxygen became too great. Sirius rolled off his friend and rested his head in his mate's lap. "Oi! That was brilliant!" He took and held a deep breath then slowly let it out, regulating his breathing. His eyes met Remus's. "This place is gorgeous! I can't believe you never invited us over before!" Remus's face flushed a soft pink, but his eyes shone with love. His long fingers trailed through Sirius's hair, tenderly working out knots that were beginning to form. His other hand rested lightly on the mutt's chest. Sirius shifted his arm and threaded his fingers through Remus's paler ones.

The two looked at each other for a long moment, Remus still blushing and Sirius smiling softly. "Oh come off it you two!" Of course, this was getting a bit too much for James. He wasn't homophobic and he didn't mind his best friends dating each other, but when they got all mushy and started snogging, he drew the line.

Peter sat off slightly to the side, laughing at his friends as they became flustered and ( in Remus's case ) more embarrassed. The plump boy loved his friends, they were the first real ones he'd ever had, and loved being included. Even though he wasn't really. He was always slightly outcast from them, but he didn't mind. "Oh, Prongs! Let them alone. They're in luuuurve." Peter teased, shifting to be a bit closer. Sirius just kicked his knee as 'punishment.'

James shifted so he was on his knees, getting a bit more comfortable. While he was 'distracted,' Sirius leaned up and caught Remus's lips briefly. Remus grinned down at him, eyes sparkling oddly. Peter's brow furrowed as he watched his friends. It almost looked as though Remus were about to cry. Sirius and James seemed to notice it too. Sirius sat up, keeping his fingers locked around the wolf's. "Moony. . . You okay?" He ran his fingers lightly across Remus's cheek.

"Yeah, you look like you're gonna cry," James said softly. Remus shook his head, still grinning. "Moony, if something's bothering you, tell us! We're your best mates!"

A growl came from Sirius's direction. "You mean that _I'm_ his best mate." He ran his fingers through the ends of Remus's hair, leaning his forehead onto the other's. "I better be your _only_ mate, Rems."

Remus chuckled and slid his free arm around Sirius's neck. "Of course. No one could come close to replacing you." There was a pause as Sirius caught his lips again. They separated with a soft 'smooch' sound. "That's what I was just thinking about. That's why I got teary eyed I guess. 'Cause you're too good to me." Peter thought he saw Sirius stiffen up. "You're the best thing to come into my life. And I'd hate to lose you. Even just to someone else."

Silence settled for a moment. Peter and James shared an uneasy look. James leaned over, whispering to Peter. "C'mon. Let's leave 'em be for a bit." Peter nodded and the two stood. Peter led the way back to the house. When the trees had faded from their vision, James spoke again, breaking the silence that had enveloped them as well. "What do you think that was about? And Padfoot . . . . He looked scared."

So Peter wasn't the only one that noticed he got stiff. "I don't know. I've had this feeling though. . . . That there's something else going on with them that they aren't telling us about." Peter trailed off and focused on the small house up ahead.

"Like . . . they're screwing each other?" James tried to hold the disgust from his tone.

Peter rolled his eyes. "Not that! Maybe they are, but I don't wanna know if they are," he sighed. "I mean, that it seems like they've got a **secret** that they're keeping from us. Something that we _should_ know and would _**want**_ to know." Was he imagining things or did Sirius seem to constantly look at Remus's arms? He also seemed to touch them a lot. Running his fingers along Remus's forearms, resting his head in the crook of his elbow, kissing and nuzzling his wrists. Something was going on.

Out of the corner of his eye, Peter saw James thinking hard. Had James noticed as well? James looked up and saw Peter watching him. Peter blinked and looked at him properly, stopping just a metre from the front door of the house. "Peter–." Uh-oh. Whenever James used their proper names, he was about to discuss something serious. Peter stood still and focused on James's face to show that he was focusing. "Pete, I wasn't going to say anything. But it looks like you've noticed something too. When I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth last night, I smelled something funny."

What did this have to do with Remus hiding something? It was a bathroom, they usually smell funny.

"It smelled like peroxide. You know, that stuff Muggles use to clean cuts and scrapes?" Yes, Peter remembered that. Lily had a bottle or two in her trunk during the school year. It came in handy when they got hurt doing something that was against the rules. No having to explain to Madame Pomfrey. "Well, I started looking through the cupboards trying to find it, to see if someone had left the lid off or something. And what I found. . . ." He sighed. "One of the cupboards was full of peroxide and bandages and cotton swabs and everything like that. And there was a box. . . ." He stopped and looked at Peter seriously. "You won't tell Moony or Padfoot any of this will you?"

Peter felt a twinge of hurt that James had to ask. But he was just being cautious, of course. "Of course I won't, James."

That seemed enough to satisfy James, who nodded once. "I decided to look in the box. . . . It was full of blades. Knives, razor blades, shards of metal or glass or something." Peter nodded, it all made sense now, what he observed combined with what James found. "I don't know if it means anything, but it bothered me."

"No. I'm sure it means something. And I think Padfoot knows," Peter whispered.

James looked at him, confusion clouding his face. "How do you know it means something? And Padfoot. . . ?"

The stout boy looked back towards the forest to make sure that the others weren't close by. "When they get back, watch Pads. He's always watching Moony's arms. He touches them, looks sad whenever he does. Moony must be hurting himself." The two stood solemnly for a moment then went into the house.

Mrs. Lupin smiled as they entered. "Hello, boys! Where are Remus and Sirius?" she asked solicitously. James said that they were still outside but that he and Pete were hot so they came back. "Ah. Well, how about some lemonade then? I've just made some! Here, you two take a seat and I'll get you each a glass." She ushered them both into chairs at the table then bustled off to get them refreshments. Peter loved Mrs. Lupin. She was such a mother hen. When she returned, she had a glass of lemonade for each and a plate of cookies.

James laughed, taking his glass. "Thanks! If you keep feeding us like this, you'll have to roll us out the door when we leave, though." Mrs. Lupin laughed warmly and patted each of them on the head, telling them to eat up.

*****  
Sirius let out a sigh of relief when he realized that Prongs and Wormtail had left. He shifted so that Remus was sitting in his lap. He wasn't sure what was going on. Maybe he was laying all the love stuff on just a little thick? Probably. But he was worried. The piercing odour of peroxide hadn't escaped his notice the previous night, nor had the blood stained sleeve. "Remus, what upset you last night?" The wolf made no motion to respond. Sirius sighed, locking his arms around his mate's waist. "You need help. Serious help."

That caught Remus's attention. He sat bolt upright and pulled away from Sirius a bit, twisting to look at him. "No! Then I'd have to admit to my parents what I was doing!" he cried fervently. "They'd never let me go back to Hogwarts if they found out. They'd probably send me to some psych center! I don't want to be taken away from you! You're the only thing that helps! Granted, you're the bulk of the problem as well, you and that damned–!" Remus's face froze, amber eyes locking on steel ones. Sirius felt all colour drain from his face and watched as the same happened to Remus's.

The mutt took a cautious breath. "Remus. . . what did you say?"

Remus shook his head slowly, mouth moving without sound. Sirius traced the boy's jaw with one finger, waiting patiently. Remus found his voice then. "No. . . no . . . . No, no, no, no, NO!" His hands twisted into his hair, face screwing up in a pained expression. "No! No! I wasn't supposed to say that!" He pulled fully away from Sirius and started pulling on his hair and beating his head with his hands, still yelling at himself.

Shock froze Sirius for a moment. But he was soon up and after Remus, locking his hands around Remus's wrist. He kept his face and voice calm and level. "Remus, shhh. It's okay. Calm down and we can talk about it." He worked to loosen Remus's fingers without hurting him. Hot tears were pouring down the pale boy's face. Warm liquid dripped onto Sirius' arm. He thought it must be rain or wind blowing Remus's tears onto him. But when more fell and his vision clouded, he realized they were his own tears. "Remus, calm down." His voice broke on the last word.

_Screw it!_ Sirius let go of his boyfriend's wrists – yes, Remus was his boyfriend! He couldn't deny that fact – and slid his arms around his chest instead, pulling him close. Remus slowly let go of his hair, sobs racking his body. Sirius let him nestle into his chest, holding him tightly. "Remus. . . . I love you. . . ." Remus nodded and let his arms slid under Sirius's arms, holding his shoulders. "Please. . . . Tell me what you meant. I won't get angry. But I want to know." Remus shook his head, warm tears soaking into Sirius's shirt. "Remus," he said sternly.

Another minute passed before Remus leaned back to look into Sirius's face. There were traces of tear tracks on Sirius cheeks, some tears still lingering in the corner of his eyes. Remus looked confused and dazed. He reached up with one hand and brushed away some of Sirius's tears. "You. . . were crying?" Sirius nodded. "For me? About what I said?" That, he didn't respond to at first. Honestly, Sirius wasn't sure _why_ he cried. He just knew that he _did_.

He thought he didn't love Remus, not like that anyway. But maybe that was exactly why Remus's words had affected him so strongly: because he **did** love Remus. He had told Sev that he loved Remus. Just in a different way. They were like brothers and had been for over five years now. He was certain that the love he felt for Remus was different than the love he felt for Severus. He would do _anything_ to make Severus happy. _**Anything.**_

But then again, wasn't that _exactly_ how he felt towards Remus? **Anything** to keep him from hurting himself – to keep him_**happy**_? Exactly the same as with Severus?

Finally, Sirius smiled, but he shook his head. "I was crying for you. But not about what you said. I can deal with that. At the prospect of losing you, Rems." He leaned down and caught Remus's lips. Remus gasped, caught off guard.

Sirius's hands slid down Remus's sides, rubbing and massaging the other's muscles. One came to rest firmly on his back end while the other worked back up into his ochre locks. Grey eyes slid closed as his mouth worked sweetly against the wolf's. Remus hesitated, but then he let his arms slip firmly around the taller boy's shoulder, hands burying themselves into the coal black locks. Sirius traced his tongue over Remus's lips, trying to work them open. Remus gladly let him. They began kissing harder, mouths working faster, breathing coming sharper and shorter, until–

Two strong hands pushed Sirius back. His eyes shot open as he looked at Remus. Before he could ask what was wrong, Remus smiled sadly. His eyes were soft, gazing at Sirius without actually looking at him at all, almost looking passed him. "Thank you. I-. . . . I needed that." He kissed Sirius's jaw and began heading back to his house. Sirius, stunned, watched him go.


	11. Chapter 11

**This chapter contains graphic/triggering imagery for SI.**

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Remus ran most of the way back to his house. He had too much on his mind right now. He just wasn't sure how to deal with it. Sirius claimed to love him and, over the summer, it seemed to become slightly true. But he knew that Sirius was also dating Snivellus. After all, how could he not? It's not like Sirius had done a good job of hiding it.

As soon as Remus had entered his house, he dashed up the stairs to his bedroom and closed and locked the door. Sure, James and Pete were in the kitchen, but that didn't matter. He needed to See, or at least to distract himself. After several minutes digging through his school satchel, Remus had located all of the spherical objects that had been in it for so long: a broken Remembrall he was trying to fix for a 4th year Hufflepuff he was tutoring, a small crystal ball he had been practising Divination with, a mirror-like orb wrapped in blue cloth and a slightly smaller glass orb with green flames dancing inside wrapped in black, and an imitation Snitch he was trying to jinx. But what to do? Should he try Seeing? Or should he just delve into work to get his mind off the matters at hand?

After a few moments deliberation, the Snitch and Remembrall were set off to the side for later distraction. Remus first reached for the crystal ball, but then went for the mirrored orb. It was a new object he was working on that allowed the user to track certain people. Only people that a certain charm (that Remus himself had invented) could be followed, and the user could only track people that they had used the charm on, for the same charm was used to activate the orb. He'd gotten the idea from Sirius and James's communication mirrors. This little beauty was how Remus had confirmed his suspicions about Sirius and Snape. That weekend in Hogsmeade, Remus had taken the mirrored orb with him. When he'd excused himself to the restroom at The Three Broomsticks, he'd checked on Sirius to see where he was. To Remus's horror, the image that had appeared in the orb was of Sirius walking hand-in-hand with the greasy-haired Slytherin.

The reflection of his room distorted as Remus gave the mirrored orb a spin and murmured "_Semita Sirius_". The orb slowed to a stop while a new image appeared within the orb. Sirius was just entering the house, looking completely confused and rather puffy-eyed. He also bypassed the kitchen, heading up the stairs and towards Remus's room. The werewolf held his breath, hoping Sirius wouldn't try to come in.

His wish was granted. Sirius simply stood outside the door and leaned his forehead on the frame. The image appeared to be faltering and Remus wondered if there was a problem with the enchantments, until he heard Sirius's voice through the door. He was sobbing. The image wasn't faltering, Sirius was quivering from sobs. He slid down to his knees, hands holding his head and twisting his hair in his fingers. The sobs racked his body harder, causing him to shake with more force.

The sight was too much for Remus. He quickly whispered "_Relinquo_", slipped all the balls into his bag and went to the door. Quietly unlocking it, he listened closer to the sobs for another moment. "Sirius?" he asked softly. The sobs instantly ceased, so Remus pulled the door open and looked down at the still quivering mass on the floor. Sirius looked up into the honey-colored eyes for a moment before he seemed to come to his senses. He quickly wiped his eyes and pushed himself up. Remus looked up at him, quirking one eyebrow. "Sirius?" he repeated with barely an increase in volume. "Are you okay?" He reached up and wiped away a stray tear trying to escape down Sirius's cheek. "You're still crying." Sirius forced a smile and rubbed the tears from his face and eyes.

"Yeah. Sorry. I'm fine." He leaned down and pressed a kiss to Remus's cheek. "Promise." The brunet simply raised an inquisitive brow at him. He felt as though Sirius was lying to him again.

But he'd leave it be for now. Remus leaned up onto his toes and caught Sirius's lips in a kiss. At the moment, his heart was telling him not to think about his lover infidelity but just to enjoy him while he could. So he let his pale arms snake around Sirius's shoulders, gently pulling him deeper into the kiss. Sirius seemed to oblige, wrapping his arms tightly around Remus's waist as their lips worked together.

Sirius slowly broke the kiss, a soft smile playing on his lips now. "Thank you, Remus." Remus smiled in response.

After spending several days with all of his friends, Remus actually felt worse than when they first arrived. Especially after the day he'd just had. The four boys were currently sitting in the living room, discussing what they hoped to get on their O.W.L.s. Remus was lying on his back, his head resting against Sirius's thigh. He played with the hems of his long sleeves. He'd screwed up twice in the couple weeks since his friends arrived, once the first night and once the morning of the full moon. Today was their last full day here and he very badly wanted to stay in control. Now, after being awake for only four hours, he knew he wouldn't last.

Remus sat up, forcing a chuckle out in response to whatever James had just said. "Be back in a minute. Loo." He pointed toward the stairs, indicating the upstairs toilet. He jogged up the stairs and quietly entered his bathroom. After checking that none of them had followed him, he slid the lock into place. He didn't need someone walking in on him right now. He just needed his "fix".

Under the sink, in a small wooden box, behind the box of toilet cleaner was his goal. From the engraved wooden box, Remus withdrew a small silver razor blade. Settling himself against the cabinet, the glint of the blade reflected onto his sleeve. Remus set the blade on his thigh and began to roll up the sleeve on his left arm. In the harsh light of the bathroom, all of his scars were cast into a horrible relief. He traced his fingers over the deepest one, running at a diagonal down his entire forearm.

Serenely, with great grace, Remus picked up the razorblade and traced it lightly over the scar. A thin line of blood appeared in the wake of his blade, dotted by small bubbles. He then used his pinky finger to smear the line of blood down his arm. A small smile lit his eyes as the sting reached his nerves. The first dip into the bloodbath was addicting. Now, he was way beyond stopping.  
Ten more times Remus drug the blade across his skin, each time in a new place, and each time with a little more force. Adrenaline and blood pumped through his system as the ache in his arm spread through him, numbing his brain slowly. For the twelfth cut he traced his deepest scar again, pressing harder as he traveled closer to the crease of his elbow. Blood had already pooled in his palm and the crease of his elbow and caked over many of the smaller cuts. Not a single drop had spilt onto his clothes, though plenty had made an attempt to stain the bathroom tiles. Rubbing his eye with a knuckle of his right hand, Remus took in his work so far. He wanted a nice round 13 cuts today, but he could still feel the red-eyed beast gnawing at him inside. It might take more to quell the hungry monster.

As he poised for what he hoped to be the final cut, he heard the lock click back into its home. Every muscle in his body spasmed as the blood drained from his face. The gnaw in his stomach ceased but not because the beast was sated. He had been caught off guard, as had Remus, and lost his appetite. Honey eyes raised from the red streaked arm to the icy eyes of the intruder. Shock was reflected there. As realization dawned on Remus, the blade slipped from his fingers, slicing the side of his left hand as it fell. "Remus. . . . . ?" the intruder whispered.

". . . . . Fuck." was Remus's only response. Sirius dropped to his knees beside the bleeding boy. "Fuck. . . ." Remus repeated as his eyes took in the sight behind his boyfriend. The other two Marauders had come to check on him as well. Peter looked ill and James looked like he was about to piss himself. The beast within him reared its head again, screaming from hunger. Even Moony wanted to submit himself to the gnawing red-eyed beast.

James pulled Peter into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. "Remus. . . . ?" he asked quietly, sliding down beside him. Peter very obviously averted his eyes from the whole mess. Prongs and Padfoot each took "post" on one of Remus's sides.

Taking the werewolf's left arm, Sirius pressed a kiss to his temple. "Rem. . . . Moony. . . . ." The gnawing intensified as Sirius began to magically heal the wounds. Murmuring a lyrical sounding spell, Sirius drew his wand over one of the deepest cuts. James squeezed Remus's right shoulder firmly then set about cleaning up the mess, including disposing of the razor blade. The minutes dragged on as a warm sensation was repeatedly drawn across the skin of his left arm. Thankfully it couldn't cure all of the sting. The faint sting that remained was enough to quell the red-eyed beast for now.

After nearly ten minutes of cleaning and mending Remus in deafening silence, he couldn't take it anymore. He stood up and walked away from the three boys. Taking a few deep, calming breaths, he turned back to them, ready for what was sure to come. Honey coloured eyes roamed the three boys's faces, jumping from Sirius to James to Peter then back to Sirius again. Amazingly, Peter was the first to speak up. "Why?"

Why. The obvious question that can never be satisfactorily answered. Remus sat on the edge of the bath tub, hands on his knees. "It's a release. It becomes an addiction. It takes away the pain." He nervously scratched at the spot where his right eyebrow met his nose.

Apparently inspired (or perhaps ashamed) by Peter's bravery, James spoke next. "For how long?"

Remus closed his eyes while he thought. When was the first time he'd cut himself? Sometime the start of fifth year. But the monster had been dwelling within him for far longer. It all centered on when he first realized he was gay. He opened his eyes and looked down at his hands. "First time I cut myself was back in September or October. But the first time I ever thought about it was during exams of fourth year. When Isabella kissed me?" He looked for recognition. "That's when I realized for sure that I was gay. Her brother Craig jokingly kissed me too." Warm grey eyes met with stormy gold. Sirius understood the reasoning.

And he was next to speak. "Why today? What did we do wrong? What did _I_do wr–."

"Nothing!" Remus cut him off. "I can't explain it properly, but you'd only understand it if you've experienced it." All three exchanged dubious glances. "Just. . . . ." He fetched for some comparison. "Think of it like a crack addict. He got into it, knowing it was wrong, but used it only when he _needed_ the effects. But after a while, he doesn't need the effects, he needs the crack **itself**." Remus glanced up to them to see if he'd made any sense.

Three blank faces stared back at him until Sirius cracked up. "What?" he sniggered. James gave his best friend an odd look, while trying desperately trying to contained his own giggles. He failed. Miserably. Peter soon joined in the laughter. Remus simply sat on the tub's edge, shaking his head. He didn't really understand why his three best friends were laughing, but assumed it had as much to do with the extreme tension as with anything else.

After taking time to calm down the giggling gaggle of boys, Remus was pulled into a tight embrace. "You know we all love you, Rem," whispered Sirius into his ear. "So don't do this to yourself anymore." He turned the pale scared face to look at him. "Please?" He placed a gentle kiss on Remus's lips as he made his request.

James appeared to Remus's left and threw his arms around both of them. "Yeah! We all love you! Gay or straight, werewolf or not, fullblood or half, left or right!" The black haired boy grinned. Peter gave an affirmative sounding noise.

As Remus was thrust into the centre of a rather awkward group hug, he realized two things he hoped he would never forget. 1)His friends always had his back. 2)His friends could not be anymore insane.

He threw his arms around James' and Sirius' necks, thinking 'I wouldn't have them any other way.'

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**So these chapters have been written for a long time. I just realized I'd never published them here. Decided to fix that. I also hope to maybe actually FINISH this story. I'm working on the 12th chapter right now and hopefully will have it and the final chapter done within a couple months. So... sorry for the obscene delay and random flood of chapters. ^^;**


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